This is an excerpt from a letter to a friend I made while regularly attending poetry readings--which I no longer do. It is important to bear in mind that he is an exceedingly kind individual, which gives rise to the nature of the "rumor" that I intend to start about him...

And as far as M____ or J____ (two attractive, mildly talented female performers who are inexplicably adored by all hosts), my flight from the spoken word scene, and your observations on the lack of mutual support offered by "fellow" artists...they are a part of the same sentiment for me. I am shy by nature, though I did spend a considerable amount of time circulating through the poetry venues. While I may have felt support or bonding at some point, the evidence speaks for itself. I have little to no contact with anyone from that world--save yourself--and there are few people I would care to talk to (names of nice people) if I had the chance. When it came right down to it, talent seemed to be only an arbitrary part of the equation. It seems to me that attractive girls who spout mediocre poetry receive just as many accolades as their truly talented, less socially desirable and adept counterparts. And people who are warm and fuzzy in some situations turn indifferent and cold in others--usually when they are not reaping some benefit from the association. My feeling was, when it came right down to it, that this was like any other "industry," dominated by people who were a)trying to get famous, b)trying to get laid, c)trying to get their egos stroked, d)trying to be cooler than everyone else, or e)trying to be part of a social scene. Of course, that world is also peppered with people who are serious about creating good work, hearing and reading others' work, and learning. But the other kind really drag the whole operation down. There really is no excuse for me to abstain from attending readings, whether I participate or not. The problem lies in my own insecurity, and feeling that my appearance, poetry, social skills, and personality are under the lens. Although, with the support of Adam (who has encouraged me more than once to return to a reading or two) and a good friend like yourself, there is no valid excuse for me.

They're assholes, T____. And, like all respectable self-loathing assholes, the bigger an asshole you are to them, the more likely they will accept you. At least, that's my theory. Their sick little social interactions and political bullshit alienate anyone with even an ounce of maturity, who wants to grow instead of feel like they are still a geeky high school freshman wishing that the hot cheerleader/quarterback would glance their way. I don't feel that the academic world is immune from this kind of silliness, but I do find it's easier to spot the peacock poets. When it's all there on the paper, it's tough to compensate by shaking your perky little tits in the audience's face.

WOAH! She's really on a rant today.

That being said, there is a small part of me that wants to conquer them, and plant my little flag of indifference on their heaped bodies. Ok, this is what we're going to do. I'm going to come back, and you and I will foster a neutral friendship in public--but then, we'll spread outlandish, intriguing rumors about one another. I'll say, "L____ (host of local reading), did you hear about T____? I heard he drank an entire bottle of vodka in one swift gulp at a party at Tommy Lee's place. He secretly rides a motorcycle, in hospital quiet zones! And he hates kittens." Then I'll slip him a copy of your latest book, and mention how fascinating it would be to see you read, while imagining you running over kittens with your motocycle while drinking vodka. And L____ will pretend to be apalled...but really, he'll become obsessed with finding more about the enigmatic T____ :) And a feature would be a good way for him to stay on your good side. You don't want to piss off a guy like that. As far as rumors regarding myself, I don't quite have it worked out yet. I'm thinking something to do with a Lolita-esque relationship with one of my professors, taking responsibility for the recent vanishing of Winona's file from the Santa Monica courthouse, and smuggling Cuban cigars. That should be good for an invitation to a party and/or the fulfillment of any number of promises for features/publications/invitations made and never kept by these jackholes.

So, do you think this is going too far? By the way, anyone who takes personal offense to this is probably one of the assholes I'm talking about. Good people know they're good, and that there isn't any reason someone should think otherwise. Flame, anyone?