Since she’s been back in the spotlight with American Idol’s second round, our waning interest in Paula Abdul has seemingly seen a revival. Today being my Friday off, I spent the afternoon watching the sort of garbage I can’t watch when Adam is around. The kind on “Lifetime: Television for women.” Or as, after watching an afternoon’s worth, I feel it would be more appropriately described, “Lifetime: All rape, all the time.”

If you were to judge by the programming offered on Lifetime, it would seem that the only thing that ever happens to the female gender worth documenting is molestation, rape, beatings, and other assorted abuses. Granted, these are important topics for my sex. However, there are other aspects of our lives. And I wouldn’t mind seeing them represented.

That being said, it is difficult not to get sucked in to the safe, formulaic setup. A woman is victimized. She is plucky and strong, so of course she fights back. She wins, her abuser goes to jail/is killed by a bullet from his own gun/falls to his death in a drunken stupor/otherwise receives his comeuppance. It is a painful road to travel, but she must fight the good fight, and we are compelled to see it through, because no one wants to turn off the TV before the son of a bitch gets his. There is a short interlude, filled by a few episodes of the Golden Girls or Designing Women (that Delta!), and we are back with the same story, only starring a different actress (not even this is a sure thing—see Melissa Gilbert). Normally, I muster the indifference to switch to Christopher Lowell or some other show equally repulsive to Adam, while I have the chance.

But not today. For there, before my very eyes, straight up now, was Paula Abdul in all her legging-clad glory. In a riveting performance, she depicts (what else?) a plucky, strong heroine who is assaulted by a ski-mask wearing man. Paula is emotionally stunted until she meets a charming (but strangely controlling) man who materializes from thin air at her apartment building one day. She develops a deep trust for him and then, in an absolutely shocking twist, it is revealed that her new love and her attacker are one in the same! Did I mention the name of the film? Touched by Evil. Safely assuming I could place a call during the movie without missing too much, I got onto the phone to IKEA. Don’t ask me why I’m dealing with them again, I’m just a glutton for punishment.

Anyway, I’m on the phone to IKEA, I’m watching Paula being touched by evil (is she SURE she didn’t like it just a little?), and as the hold music comes on, I find myself in one of those moments so surreal that it’s almost scary. The tune comes faintly across the wires:

“He’s a cold-hearted snake.
Look into his eyes.
Uh-oh, he’s been telling lies.
He’s a lover boy at play,
he don’t play by rules.
Uh-oh, girl don’t be a fool, now.”

It is too Abdulicious! My senses are being bombarded with Paula! With Paula, and her numerous talents! The Paula planets aligned today. I was there to witness the almost unbearable brightness, and gaze upon the miracle in awe.

Paula the chanteuse, Paula the thespian, Paula of the many hats, I salute you.