Blood and Guts: Helena Lazaro
Bigger than Jesus?
June 26, 2004 05:51 PM

I wonder if there shouldn't be a statute of limitations on judging someone for their past. I mean, I understand that what we do is a part of us forever. It has an effect on my actions of today, thinking about what they will mean to me ten years from now. Will I be proud of them? Will I agree with them? Will I wish I had chosen differently? But what about the times in our lives when we didn't see the long term? When we didn't know we'd be judged summarily, and deemed worthy or unworthy of someone's approval and admiration because of the unsavory things we'd done? We've done things we are less than proud of, each of us. Should they be like an albatross around our neck forever? For crying out loud, if even Jesus forgives me, why can't these dips?

It's been a long time since I was judged for my past. Most of the time when you meet people, you say, here, this is where we start--today. There is an understanding that we have made mistakes, and that while those mistakes are a part of us, they don't define us. I had forgotten how frustrating and unfair it felt to be treated otherwise. Most days, I would say The hell with someone who deemed it their place to determine my worth that way. A person pious enough to think their state of mind is so right that anyone outside of it is not worth socializing with is obviously not the sort I'll get along with or respect. But sometimes I'm weak, so it hurts my feelings anyway. And I'm helpless to do anything to stop it.

But I'm still not ashamed, and I know anyone who makes me feel that way doesn't deserve to be a part of my life.


More ranting
Comments

...For crying out loud, if even Jesus forgives me, why can't these dips?...

i am assuming you are referring to people that have 'judged' you. a person wasting their time judging...well, you already know their priorities.

as for myself, and how i judge myself, and my priorities, this is another realm altogether, and one that ultimately rules me.

a person judges me, makes assumptions about me, doesnt take the time to know me, this is just one truth i have to be at peace with. nowadays, im not around enough people to ex0rsize this temperament. but, i have in the past.

...But what about the times in our lives when we didn't see the long term?...

if one were to see the long term, they just might see that albatross on their neck, perhaps conveniently forgotten, but to always be there. the albatross isnt necessarily guilt nowadays. and the universe is only efficient. no matter how much excess energy and emotion and rebirth, nothing is wasted, not even the darkness that is guilt, not even shame.

i understand how bad it feels to be seen one way, for whatever reason, and not the way...you may see yourself. its ironic how we can actually be two things: myself as i see myself, and myself in others eyes. but, this is a very dynamic area of existence, and it is simply the destiny of most people to not see the truth supporting us.

...A person pious enough to think their state of mind is so right that anyone outside of it is not worth socializing with is obviously not the sort I'll get along with or respect...

this is not peity, which is noble. they are in darkness, opposite from the darkness mentioned below.

...But sometimes I'm weak, so it hurts my feelings anyway. And I'm helpless to do anything to stop it....

i am truly weak. and phases of denying this are natural for myself. i am totally at a loss, if it werent for something special.

i acknowledge that there exists a fundamental truth to be known to anyone, embodied in history, for one to cherish on their own, as their own, regardless.
and sometimes, its a tremendously long passage, from daily life, to the dark, to the darkest. which is life. but its possible to see truth in such an environment, being so removed as to be able to see the truth that comforts you, and not mistaking it for anything else.

being this far away is lonliness, and unknowing, and it is also many things that hateful people will not hesitate to describe it/you as.
but something truly *magical* exists, and it is that coincidence and irony are of divine origin.

Posted by: your pal on June 30, 2004 08:48 PM
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