I used to have a real prolem with insomnia. I would toss and turn for hours, and nearly work myself up to an anxiety attack over not having any sleep for the coming day (which of course didn't help send me off to dream-land). It was pretty frustrating. But I haven't had trouble falling asleep for a long time. I go to bed when I'm getting to feel tired, I put in my earplugs, pull down my sleep mask (no laughing!!) and drift away. Unless I'm worried or excited about something. That's pretty common, I think. Last night, I didn't get much shut eye.

Our producers are off scouting the location for the trip I've been planning for weeks. It's quiet in the office. It's peaceful. In a week, they'll be back for a bit, and then the whole crew goes to shoot. Then it's over. My job is over.

When I came to interview in this office, I knew production was like this. I knew my job would be here, then gone. I knew I would have to look for new work, pretty much forever, at regular intervals. But it was such an exciting opportunity--and, besides, I get tired of my job every six months anyway.

Everyone says that work just happens. A couple of people say you have to be aggressive. Either way, my future is a question mark after March 4th. What to do?

I don't know that I want to be someone's assistant and slave. I don't think I want to go and obtain the grueling agency experience required to get an assistant position in the first place. I definitely don't want to kiss the asses of people I don't like, or have people who don't like me kiss my ass someday, because of what I might be able to do for them.

Although there is a lot about entertainment that I love, the entertainment industry (like the fantasies it depicts) apparently has little to no resemblance to the real world, much less to the working world and ethics I'm familiar with. The prevalence of a competetive, "paying your dues", self-preserving mentality frightens me. I feel as if my safety is in danger.

I think that, for people who have wanted to be a part of this business all their lives, who know they want to be directors, or writers, or actors, putting up with this shit is just what they have to do. But, to me, this feels like a guy you just started seeing who has tantrums of violent jealousy, asks you all kinds of questions about where you've been (even though he's the one that smells like perfume), and lives in a basement. You just know something is wrong with the dude, and that he'll bury your ass if you let him.

So last night I stayed up for hours, trying to think of what would make me happy, if this wasn't it. What job might make me happy to get up and go to every day?

Is it sad I couldn't think of any besides cookie-taster and personal shopper? Everything else seems like it would eventually get old.

If I have to get up early for something, it better be damn good. Otherwise, I just won't get up. It's the reason my performance in class suffers about 3/4 the way through the semester. And the reason I have held only a couple of jobs more than a year.

The difference is that when I was working then, I was also a student. I had an excuse to change up my schedule and leave a job. Now it's just me. All week long. I have to find a way, I have to find something that works. I toyed with the idea of going back to school for my credential. But seriously, anyone who knows me please holla, will this lazy ass be happy getting up at 6:30 am every day?

I don't think so.

Maybe I'm looking for too much out of a job. I've heard a lot of people with the philosophy that your job doesn't need to make you happy. You just muddle through it eight hours a day, then go and do what really makes you happy. Maybe I wrote off Civil Service too soon.

Still looking for answers. And to catch up on that sleep I lost last night.

Zzzs.

P.S. My Dell already shipped and is on the way!!!!