Blood and Guts: Helena Lazaro
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I Wish…I Wish I Were A Real Jewish Girl!
July 25, 2005 01:21 AM

*sigh*

I have been so inspired by this post, that I’m making a confession, right here and now. I want to be a Jewish girl. More than anything. The way that little girls blow out their candles wishing they could be princesses, or ballerinas, I wish that I could be Jewish. I want to kvetch about how inferior our Los Angeles bagels are. I want to inherit a rich culture of guilt. I want to take part in rituals and celebrations that are a mystery to everyone outside my faith. I want to give the letters Z and K their fair share of attention. Just LOOK at all these fantastic words! It's like they have the most awesome super secret treehouse ever, and I want to be allowed in SO bad!

I DO love you, I DO!Do they have a name for Jew groupies? Do they have a warmer, more affectionate term for the word Jew? Jewie-woowie? There has to be a word that better sums up my adoration for this people. There has to be a word for people like me. Actually, they probably have one, but I’m sure it isn’t nice.

Most of my love interests have been Jewish or half Jewish, or—at the very least—often mistaken by actual Jews to be one of their own. I like dark-haired, fair-skinned, smart-looking boys. Bonus points for nerdy glasses.

And the great thing about Jewish boys is that they’re usually all of those things!

The downside is that a real Jewish boy does not usually want to be around a non-Jewish girl for long. I have lost more than one after things became serious enough for him to realize that, “Well, how about a nice Cuban girl?” was not going to cut it with his Bubbeh.

I know I could convert…but something tells me I’d always feel like the acquaintance who invites themselves to the party. Not to mention that I don’t have the slightest idea what I’d be getting into. Considering the degree to which I’ve screwed up the religion I was baptized into, I don’t know that I deserve a go at someone else's.


More desires
Comments

I figure your Cuban family must have given you as much guilt as my Jewish one -- knowing Cuban families from New York. And are you kidding about the Jewish male's lack of interest in the Cuban woman? Have you been to Miami? Every Jewish man is sitting by the beach salivating as a Cuban gal passes by.

And by the way, I found Celia Cruz just as sexy as Barbra.

Funny how they didn't let you in on your first day at the job. Don't worry. Soon, they are going to be letting you in with a wave and a smile.

Posted by: Neil on July 25, 2005 01:27 PM

By the way, I was perusing your site -- the poetry, the beautiful jewelry -- and boy, I hate to be ass-kissy, but you're one talented woman, Jewish groupie or not...

Posted by: Neil on July 25, 2005 01:38 PM

Actually, having dated several, I figure that Latinas are the best match for us Jewish boys. I mean, you all get the whole guilt thing, but you also are way more focused on keeping your man happy than Jewish women are. Plus, by and large, you're pretty self-sufficient, hard-working, and motivated. It's a nice combo.

The other good thing about Jews is that we're all pretty liberal, especially when it comes to questions of race. So, when you meet mom, if she disapproves, play the liberal card. Plus, you're pretty smart for a shikse, play that up.

Posted by: Wade on July 25, 2005 06:34 PM

Ha! Celia and Barbra...I can see the um...resemblance? :>) Celia's even hotter when you know what she's saying; she was a dirty girl!! I'm glad to hear a resounding vote in favor of my ilk.

I don't know that we're hard-working so much as we won't take no for an answer. The subtle nuance that makes the difference between mortar and pestle or mortar and tassel.

Feeling 100% better. thanks guys, I will continue to hold out hope that I can infiltrate this sect without having to give up ham and cheese sandwiches.

Posted by: Helena on July 26, 2005 12:13 AM

I don't know about the ham, but I'm tried this kosher turkey bacon that's not half bad.

Posted by: Neil on July 26, 2005 02:44 AM

That's awesome that you feel this way. I wish I were Cuban sometimes and that Castro and socialism would just go away. Ever read Achy Obejas? I bet you have and you two are sisters or something. Anyway, as a Jew, I love non-Jew girls. See you in Israel one day.

Posted by: Max L on April 1, 2006 01:21 AM

the term is jewhag. welcome :-)

Posted by: heather gold on April 2, 2006 12:31 AM
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