Blood and Guts: Helena Lazaro: Old Poem

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Old Poem

August 24, 2005 10:40 PM

So I finally got rid of my old computer tonight. In transferring the files I got to reading some of the (very little) poetry I wrote in 2002-2003, and found this one.

Denial

Katina K.
was my girlhood friend.
Well, I was more her friend
than she was mine.

But Princesses are chaste and pure! When she condescended to see me
we played with Barbie dolls,
her collection of purses,
and the lipstick she’d stolen
from her mother.

Katina moved to Texas
when I was eleven
and she was thirteen.
By that time,
she wasn’t speaking to me much.
She kept insisting
that Ken and Barbie
French kiss.
It made me uncomfortable,
I preferred the Slip ‘n’ Slide.
But Katina said it hurt her boobs
when she fell on it,
and flaunted the little white strap
of her training bra.
Her big brother was a real jerk.
He used to pinch her chest
and shout, “Mosquito bites!”
Katina acted as if
she didn’t mind
but when we were alone
would cry like always.

Although she’d deny it later,
if you asked her.

The day her family left,
she sat in the station wagon
and played with the manuals
in the glove box.
I stood on the curb sobbing,
wishing
that she would look at me
just for a second
to let me see
that she felt something.

But she didn’t.

There have been men like her.

If I could find her now,
I’d ask Katina
if she ever loved me.
I’d would ask,
If I had done
all the things you asked me to,
would you love me then?

And I know
she would say,
I don’t think
we were even
really friends.

More nostalgia, poetry, why i need therapy

Comments

Thank god for impulse control! I just managed to stop myself from posting a very touchy feely post. The poem triggered something, but good fortune spared you from the details!

About the eventual new name for this wonderful blog; may I suggest you go for something sweet, cause that would be more in tune with the personality that shines through in every post I have read here. And I mean that in the very best possible way, okay? I'm not suggesting sentimental (no-no-no!) or anything, just something WARM and REAL!

[Gee... I'm in some sort of mood today!]

Posted by: Rarity on August 25, 2005 01:55 AM

That is really awesome, thank you for making my morning :) But, you know, I would always encourage you to write a touchy feely post!

I'm glad the poem did something for you, it makes me happy. My only agenda in writing has always been to connect with other people. So for me, that is the ultimate compliment.

Posted by: Helena on August 25, 2005 09:43 AM

"But, you know, I would always encourage you to write a touchy feely post!" - Yeah, somehow I knew you would say that... ;o) but I'm too shy shy hush hush eye to eye... *snapping my fingers and slipping off to get some coffee*

Posted by: rarity on August 25, 2005 10:20 AM

Been there, except I punched the girl my best friend had started hanging out with more than me. Just in the stomach, but she doubled over as if it hurt. I thought to myself, "Oh p-lease, I did not hit you that hard," as kids that age always use in their defense.

Posted by: claire on August 25, 2005 11:38 AM

Sounds like she was a Bitch to me! Screw her.

Why is it that we try the hardest with those who act indifferent?

Posted by: Marina on August 25, 2005 01:58 PM

I think Rarity really hit it on the nose by suggesting a new softer title. Helena, you can try to fool us into thinking you're really a hard-drinking, hard-loving "Blood and Guts" type of woman. But Rarity sees through you. And so do I. Admit it, you're really a little sweetie, aren't you? Your words may say "devilish," but one look at those eyes in your portfolio pic and everyone knows that you're the girlie type who cries at "The Little Mermaid."

Posted by: Neil on August 25, 2005 02:06 PM

You guys are funny. Thanks for relating.

You know, I think I may have to switch from BAG, but mainly because it seems to be misinterpreted.

The point was to say that I AM putting everything inside of me, every tender little bit, onto the page. I guess it just sounds too gruesome to imply that.

And I am the girlie type who cries at The Little Mermaid (I mean, she couldn't talk!). But I'm a lot of other types, besides...

Posted by: Helena on August 25, 2005 06:01 PM