I’m not willing to pretend that I don’t care. I’m tired of staying outside the emotional safety radius. But it seems the minute I stick my toe in, all the alarms and bells go off, the spotlight shines on me, and I’m incarcerated again.
I want to escape, to be free to say whatever I really feel, to say what I mean. In these tentative getting-to-know-you conversations where we carefully gauge the other person’s desires, and their emotional state before we respond—doesn’t that make them disingenuous? Doesn’t that mean you aren’t getting to know me, but a part of me, a representation of me I think you’ll find non-threatening and acceptable? It’s not fair to you either, really, for me to temper the truth.
I’m over it. I have gone two years being able to date and not care, but it’s over—I can tell. It’s gone, and it’s been replaced by a feeling that there’s something more, something I’ve been missing out on. I don’t need or want a serious relationship, necessarily. I’m not looking for the stability, the complacency, the Chinese Delivery and Movie Nights (though they do sound really good now and then). I’m looking for the ability to stop holding my breath, to drop any pretenses, to be unafraid.
I’m tired of being afraid. Afraid that I won’t be accepted, or appreciated, or kept. I’ve gone so long trying to please others, trying to win others…every weapon in my arsenal employed so that I can bowl them over. For what? Once they’re sprawled on the floor, my interest often wanes. And why is that? Another set of questions entirely.
For now I know that I’ve got to stop sabotaging myself, or setting myself up for failure by picking men I know will never be able to return an emotion. The emotions come, they are here, present like a twin sewn to my side. I can’t hide my jealousy, my desire to be the most valuable thing you own. I can’t pretend to be stronger or more independent than I am.
I am weak, and I am full of holes. My contradictions give me away, when I try to hand you the portrait of the infallible woman and it’s printed on the other side with a list of my worst fears.
I can’t hide it. If you turn me over, it’s all there for you to see.
More five minute free write, why i need therapy
"My contradictions give me away, when I try to hand you the portrait of the infallible woman and it’s printed on the other side with a list of my worst fears."
This is *incredible*, dear.
Goodness me...
Posted by: AJ on August 29, 2005 08:36 PMAt least in your writing, you don't have any pretenses or show any fear. Why wouldn't anyone want to be with the "real" you? Maybe you need to walk around as if you're blogging in real life.
Posted by: Neil on August 29, 2005 08:49 PMYou're absolutely right. You do deserve to have the chance to open up and to be you in front of the poeple you want to be with. Yes, some will leave you; but you'll be sparing yourself that heartache later.
And you're right to want to be the most important thing. When you have that for each other, it's the most wonderful.
Shit, if only I could get that.
Posted by: Wade on August 29, 2005 08:51 PMAJ, it's funny you picked that image. I thought it reminded me of a headshot, with the resume on the back? Ha!
Neil, I usually do walk around this way. If I got paid for scaring away men, I'd be a wealthy woman.
Wade, it's out there. Or at least, I believe it is.
Posted by: Helena on August 29, 2005 09:04 PMGee, Helena, I just had a killing me softly moment here...
And I must say, Helena, that the comments your recieve from your wonderful boys here actually give *me* faith... How about THAT?!
Rarity... just cuz we're wonderful *here* doesn't mean we're wonderful *everywhere*.
;-)
Posted by: AJ on August 30, 2005 09:01 AMThis is a valid point. We can be anything we want to be on the page :P
But I always appreciate the things they say, and it does make me feel better.
I want to hear that song now! It's going to be in my head all day.
Posted by: Helena on August 30, 2005 10:13 AMthe "headshot" image is my favorite too.
What I dig as much as anything in your writing is that it gets me writing. I'll have to ponder this one for a bit...
Posted by: claire on August 30, 2005 10:21 AMOh honey I so hear you. Not that I have been in the dating mode for more than five minutes, but I have been chatting with someone on and off for a while. He comes and goes. We had a telephone conversation on Sunday.
Ernest: What are you doing?
Me: Just got back from getting lunch with my brother
Ernest: What did you have?
Me: Oh McDonalds, I know it is horrible for us, one of those quick bites to eat.
Ernest: Oh Marina, how horrible, haven’t you seen the reports done on that place – yaddy, yaddy, yaddy for the next five minutes.
I can begin to feel my blood pressure rise but I maintain and continue the conversation. I take a deep breath
Ernest: And you smoke too?
Me: Yes I do.
Ernest: You don't lead a very healthy life style at all (he laughs) I know you don’t want to hear this, but as a friend I feel the need to tell you
Me: You know what Ernest, you are right, I don’t want to hear it, and the beauty of it is, is I don’t have to! Click
Probably will not be hearing from Ernest again any time soon.
Claire, I could not ask for a higher order of compliment. I love being able to share a muse back and forth with someone! Your ponderings the other day (I've been feeling moody, too) got me thinking about this in the first place.
Posted by: Helena on August 30, 2005 11:19 AMI'm digging this shared muse as well.
here's the result:
http://tallerthanaveragetales.blogspot.com/2005/08/restraint.html
Cool! I don't think stoic is a word I'd ever use to describe the author of those stories, by the way. Ever.
Posted by: Helena on August 30, 2005 08:26 PMOh! And I missed Rina! Fuck Ernest. Tell him the quickest way to shorten his life span is to try and boss you around.
Posted by: Helena on August 30, 2005 08:39 PMThanks. And when you put it that way, no, I suppose not. It's not something I've heard in a long time, but in those days a lot of people found me very hard to read in person. No blogs back then. ;]
Posted by: claire on August 30, 2005 08:59 PMCan you believe that crap! He obviously does not know me very well. Although I think I may have given him an idea as I hung up on him.
Posted by: Marina on August 31, 2005 08:20 AMoh man, i am kind of just emerging from this exact thing, Helena. i think it has to do with the period of your life when "love" has evolved from what you'd always imagined it to be (via 80s movies like Say Anything or even Pretty Woman) into something much more logical, contrived, and almost insensitive.
i flopped around with this for years, enjoying my single status and declaring my decision to never marry.
and now i'm reconciling the two. there is a bit of both. and, like you said, the kind you want is totally out there. even if you (or I!) find it when you're 80, things will fall together and bring you that smile.
Posted by: kristine on August 31, 2005 10:14 AM*sigh* I actually sighed. I hope so, Kristine. My notions of love and romance are definitely rooted in fantasy. And I'm starting to understand that reality can never match those expectations. But I'm still looking for something uncommon.
Posted by: Helena on August 31, 2005 10:35 AM"If I got paid for scaring away men, I'd be a wealthy woman."
That's excellent. I can so see myself in many of things you have said about your current state.
I say stay true to you and your dreams of finding a love "uncommon". :)
Posted by: ms. sizzle on September 1, 2005 03:28 PMWhy thanks, Ms Sizzle! I knew we'd see eye to eye when I saw your name next to the definition of Hussy! ;)
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