I’ve been thinking about happiness lately. Thinking about how to get it. Most of my life, I’ve seen happiness as something that I could attain by putting the right pieces into place. Like solving a puzzle. Everything would slide into position and the whole thing would burst wide open. But there was always that one missing piece, preventing my from achieving my goal. Standing between me and happiness.
For me, this missing bit was forever Him. If I could just meet Him, that man, that perfect man, I’d find the love I was promised in every fairy tale, I’d find my happy ending. Everything that was wrong, every depression, every thing inside of me that ached, I attributed to the need to find Him. Once I did, everything would be flawless and complete.
I think a part of me knew what a load that was. That’s why, for so long, I blew every chance I had to be with someone who wanted to be good to me, who wanted to love me. I ran away, or I chose the wrong men on purpose, the ones that I knew there was no danger of reaching that place with. That way, this Quest would never end in my discovering that the Holy Grail was just a Garfield Hates Mondays Coffee Mug, after all.
Then I let one in. I let him in, I let him love me. I loved him back. This was it, this HAD to be it. But there was no cloud of pink glitter and dust transforming me into a Happy person. It didn’t make sense. I had found Him, where was my eternal golden sunset? It wasn’t a fairy tale. It wasn’t a fantasy. It was real, and hard.
It could always be a little better, to me. I could always achieve just a little more. It had to be Hollywood Endings, or nothing at all. I didn’t want to accept the grass is only spray-painted greener on the other side, or that the sparks were actually just effects created in post.
I tried to make it perfect, to make everything perfect. I tried to shove the little pieces of the puzzle together, to match the picture on the box in my head. He was my prince, he had come to rescue me, to whisk me off into a world free from pain, ideal in every way. Again, I was creating an expectation that was impossible to meet, ensuring that happiness would never be mine. And in doing so, I made a shambles of the love that I DID have—imperfect as it was.
Almost two years after the demise of that relationship, some things are still just becoming clear to me. Like a slowly developing picture, shapes of truth emerge before me. I’m not a princess, and this is not a fable. I’m a girl. He’s a boy. This is life. I’m not going to be cured of what makes me unhappy by one missing piece of the puzzle. There is no puzzle. I can spend my whole life dangling some arbitrary carrot of my own making in front of my face, but in the end I’m only chasing myself…because if and when I manage to catch that fucking carrot, there’s another one waiting to take its place.
I know I’m not the only one who does this. And I know it doesn’t have to be Him. People go through life thinking that if they could just get that perfect job, that family, that power, that achievement, that face—then, then they would be happy. Just, X. Me+X=Happy. What about the time in between? What about every day we spend waiting for the thing that’s going to make us happy, instead of just being happy? What about the real causes of dissatisfaction that never go away, even when you’ve managed to get the X? The whole thing seems like a real waste of time and energy.
So here’s what I’m thinking. I want to be happy now. Not banking on the unattainable X, waiting to be whisked away on a white steed. I want to be here, on the ground, enjoying every day. I don’t want another year to go by that leaves me wondering, what have I done the last twelve months, besides pressure myself to reach arbitrary goals that MIGHT make the sadness inside me subside for a moment or two.
How do I do that? How can I just be happy, now? *
* "More Fezter," "French Fries," and "A Big Spliff" are not acceptable answers.
More why i need therapy
i think a question that we should all ask is why we dangle our carrots in front of ourselves. once you understand that answer, i think you understand how to be happy just by yourself because it's some sort of acceptance. i'm not saying to sanction the destructive emotions or actions, but achieve removal of the X out of your equation.
so what you have is Me = Happy.
Posted by: ceity on September 20, 2005 09:53 PM1. at first i thought this other Him was the Lord, and you were going to end the story with "and that's how i came to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses."
2. the grass is usually illegal on the other side.
3. i'm very happy i found your site. i think it was through Neil (poor guy). but i'm very happy. even though i rarely post comments.
4. because i invariably say something inappropriate, like how hot you look in that flickR photo. you know. that one.
Posted by: brando on September 20, 2005 11:32 PM1. No one ever leaves the Jehovah's Witnesses. Alive. (Ooh, I like that as a tagline...someone write this baby!)
2. I like how Europeans say "forbidden" instead of "illegal." Everything forbidden is better.
3. I'm glad you found it, too
4. because you invariably say something that makes me giggle like a little girl.
Posted by: Helena on September 21, 2005 12:58 AMHere's the corny answer, cribbed from James Taylor:
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Yeah, it's from a fucking James Taylor song, but I would argue that he's got it figured out.
I had an epiphany about a year ago concerning all of this. Basically, there has got to be a time when, while appreciative of what we can learn from the negative, we make a conscious choice to embrace the positive aspect of every day, every situation, every choice, every loss, every gain and everything in the middle because that is the best way to enjoy it all.
I'm not saying it's easy to do by any stretch, but when you get in the zone and let that work for you it makes all the difference in the world.
There is also a lot to be said for turning your back on the blacks and whites, diving into the grey and enjoying the subtle differences in tone.
Posted by: bill on September 21, 2005 08:05 AMOr, you could meet that person whom you don't have to try to wedge into some impossible puzzle, and then have them leave you because they didn't get over some guy who dumped them almost six years ago.
Not that I'm bitter.
Anwyay, are you interested in being happy all the time, or being happy in the aggregate? Because, if it's the latter, then perhaps you might find a half dozen little things to involve yourself in that bring you happiness, from time to time? Then, every time you have a down moment, you can anticipate a following up moment from just the normal set of actvities you have in your life.
Posted by: Wade on September 21, 2005 08:57 AMI think it comes down to tolerating and accepting yourself, first. Sure, you can *do* lots of things to distract yourself and make you temporarily happy, but ultimately, at the end of the day, it's still just you and your reflection in the mirror, sans makeup. And you have to be okay with YOU.
Give yourself a break, and let your failures just be. Learn from them, but don't over-analyze them, or they'll drive you crazy. Just breathe.
Posted by: Jen Neil on September 21, 2005 10:42 AMI must say I love this kind of posts and comments.
There's something universal about how I feel, after all. And even if nothing changes simply by learning the fact that other people feel the same - in a way it does.
:o)
Posted by: rarity on September 21, 2005 01:24 PMPS! Isn't this where someone says: "It's not about getting what you want, but wanting what you get"
Posted by: rarity on September 21, 2005 01:26 PMMisery loves company... Thanks for all the company!
Posted by: Marina on September 21, 2005 01:34 PMFor the last few days, I've been reading The Last Picture Show by Larry McMurtry and thinking it was like the boy's eye view of your teen stories, but this post so clearly hits an ageless dilemma that's throughout the book. Cool.
As for your q, I embrace things that make me laugh and try to incorporate what I can into my daily life. At my most stressed out, I can usually remember my simple mantra: I'm ok right now. It's usually true, in the immediate moment there's shelter, food, even internet access most of the time. It helps me keep perspective.
Posted by: claire on September 21, 2005 02:19 PMI don't know the secret to a happy life, but I have witnessed friends/family with health issues recently and it has made me more appreciative of what I have. The quicker we figure out we are fleeting, the longer we have to fleet. Okay, that was stupid, but I hope you know what I mean.
Posted by: Eddie on September 21, 2005 04:47 PMBill, I think James Taylor definitely has it figured out. At least, that's the feeling I get when I sing him in the shower.
Wade, I want happiness in the sense that I want to feel at peace with myself every day.
Jen, I like the way you put it. That look in the mirror at the end of the day is the important part, I think.
Rarity, It helps A LOT. I have to say, I've gone from feeling totally miserable to, like, 35% miserable :) And not a french fry in sight!
Rina, My pity parties wouldn't be the same without you! :)
Justin, Please write to the Congressmen of my Ass (big states get more than one, right?) if you'd like to oppose Prop 420: No on Donuts.
Claire, I'm totally stealing that. I've already started using "I'm OK right now." My dad is supposed to call tonight, I think it will be quite handy.
Eddie, you're so right. I want to fleet contently for as long as possible.
I,too,searched for many years for X. In the process, I visited many places,met many people.did many things. Some of them, I regret. Most of them, I don't. One day I found someone,when I was not looking anymore. He is far away from perfect,but when I met him, he made melaugh. He still does. And I concluded that happines is a stay of mind.What makes you happy today, can become boring tomorrow,or even annoying.The one way to be happy, at the end, is knowing that you never gave up LOVE,looking for love,being in love. It is not about X. It is about YOU.
Don't feel time is running away from you.There is so much of it in your hands yet...
Love you
Tipsy
"It's not about X, It's about YOU."
Is Tipsy the best Aunt ever? Hell yes. How many Aunts can come up with that stuff on the fly? And she can do it in Spanish, too!
I feel like that's the best I could ever ask for--someone who makes me laugh!
Posted by: Helena on September 22, 2005 01:13 AMOh yes, I think we had a conversation about this sort of thing once. I don't remember what was said, or if it took place...
But happiness is a point of view.
I've come to my own conclusion lately on the subject. I've had it for awhile, just simplified it quite a bit. It's kind of like discovering the existence of the atom, or something...
But if everything we do gives us some sort of pleasure, no matter how minute.
Are we really unhappy?
That point of view has made me a happy man for a long time now. Hopefully I don't ever find that dark matter.
Posted by: Alfonso on September 22, 2005 07:07 AM"The difference between fiction and reality is...fiction has to make sense."
Really...no donuts? For real?
Posted by: Warren on September 25, 2005 07:51 AMAl, I think you've elevated contentment to a fine art.
Warren, fine, ONE donut. And maybe a donut hole. Or two donut holes.
Why is eating a dozen donut holes somehow easier to justify than eating one whole donut?
Posted by: Helena on September 25, 2005 12:02 PM
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