Because many most all of the men I've dated lately seem to have somehow circumvented this lesson during their journey into adulthood, I am including here a handy instructional guide. The topic: Removing Your Big-Ass Foot From Your Stupid Mouth.
Mouthfoot, as I refer to the condition suffered by most men, is nothing to be ashamed of. It's far more common than most realize, in fact. It doesn't make you a bad person. Keep that in mind, as you read on.
Mouthfoot(MF) can’t be “caught,” or contracted. Although hanging around a bunch of dudes for prolonged periods of time does make you more susceptible to conditions like Insensitivitus, and Jerkorrhea, this disorder is unique in the regard that it is a pre-existing condition. It can remain dormant for months, or years at a time—then flare up violently and unexpectedly.
You may not even be aware that you suffer from MF. Most men aren’t. They can repeatedly undergo break-outs, while remaining oblivious. This is because MF can only be detected by those it affects—the people around you. For this reason, it is important that you learn to recognize the following symptoms, as observed through your Female Companion (FC).
Some signs that you may be suffering from Mouthfoot(†):FC begins to cry and you don’t know why
FC stops acknowledging your presence
FC calls you an asshole and storms out of the room/hangs up the phone
FC uses the phrase, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”
It can't always be prevented. It can’t be cured. But it can be controlled.
Once you have recognized the symptoms of MF, you must act quickly. Time is of the essence. The longer you wait, the worse the damage will be. Employ one of the following to counteract the effects before it’s too late.
Treatment Methods for Mouthfoot(††):Apologize profusely
Immediately shower the FC with compliments
Immediately shower the FC with flowers
Immediately shower the FC with gifts
Apologize profusely
DO NOT, repeat DO NOT under any circumstance attempt to justify the MF, or to engage in an argument once you have recognized any of the above symptoms. This will only aggravate the condition, resulting in severe injury, blindness, and possibly death (contingent on whatever sharp/blunt objects may be within reach of the FC).
Most men who suffer from MF go on to lead normal, happy lives. If you follow my advice, you should be able to emerge from these episodes relatively unscathed.
A note: My painstaking research into Mouthfoot is my life’s work. I strive to find answers for those affected by this terrible, terrible affliction. Won’t you please help? Donations of Whiskey and Chocolate are gladly accepted.
(†) It should be noted that these may also be symptoms of Bitchiscrazyma in the FC. Consult your doctor if unsure.
(††) You may also attempt the "Aversion Method." However, this is not recommended unless the FC is expendable.
More dudes suck
I wasn't paying attention - 'FC' stands for fat chick, right?
Posted by: Eddie on September 22, 2005 05:58 PMEddie,
Sadly, I see that you are already in the advanced stages of Mouthfoot.
At this point, there is little that can be done to remedy your condition, short of a full Mouth-ectomy.
My condolences.
Posted by: Helena on September 22, 2005 07:18 PMI was about to post a counter-argument, but I realized you would just hang up on m--
*click*
Hello? Helena??
*dial tone*
Helena?? Son of a b--
*slam*
AJ, something tells me that you are capable (and know you're capable) of the most effective method for repairing the damage done by Mouthfoot--a healthy dose of Sweetalkinner.
Posted by: Helena on September 22, 2005 08:50 PMWhy are those two people in the picture so DAMN HAPPY?
STOP THEM.
Posted by: Pauly D on September 22, 2005 09:42 PMGosh, baby, where do you find all these dudes and dudettes that "feed" your site? They are so f...ing funny, man!
I almost wish I could be 20 years younger (maybe 30) just to join one of your parties. You must all be nuts!!! Just my kind of people!
Thank you for the kind words. Indeed, someone who makes you laugh is pure gold!
I need to advise you, though: Most of them come with a real bad case of fully developed MF. (That stands for mouthfoot, right? It isn't for motherf... right? Or is it?)
Tipsy
Posted by: tipsy on September 22, 2005 10:27 PMPD, would it make it better or worse to know that graphic actually came from a "Living with STDs" pamphlet?
Tipsy! Again proving why My Aunt is better than Everyone Else's Aunt. I am sure you would fit right in, though I hope you won't mind if I ask you to tell them about that Rolling Stones concert back in the day.
Posted by: Helena on September 23, 2005 12:42 AMI don't really have much to say except that I applaud your promotion of interracial romance. Cause I'm down with that. Huge time.
Posted by: bill on September 23, 2005 07:03 AMI'm all about Equal Opportunity Lovin'.
Posted by: Helena on September 23, 2005 09:35 AMTipsy,
Any aunt of Helena's is an aunt of mine! You can come party with us whenever you want!
How are you at shots of Vodka? ;)
Posted by: Marina on September 23, 2005 02:07 PMI re-read your piece and just wanted to apoligi -- What's that? Sportscenter is on, gotta go.
Posted by: Eddie on September 23, 2005 04:06 PMHey Marina, thank you for the warm welcome gesture into your "elite." I am better at shots of tequila.
Love,
Tipsy
Helena, does this Eddie guy knows about the "cuban juju"...?
Tipsy
Posted by: tipsy on September 23, 2005 07:00 PMNow we just want to know why you had that pamphlet lying around!
I too am in favor of interracial lovin'. Although I represent no particularly interesting races (unless you count Poles).
And, as a guy, I have to say that this is a tremendously useful entry for all us men. I just hope that my days of volunteering to be a test subject for various mouthfoot cures will soon be over.
Posted by: Wade on September 23, 2005 10:17 PMWe'll be like one big, happy, drunk family!
Tipsy, no he doesn't know...but I have the feeling he is about to find out.
Wade, do a Google Image search for "Herpes Couple." I promise it's a good laugh.
Posted by: Helena on September 24, 2005 01:09 AMhelena ... first of all, I'm sorry I wasn't here to help cheer you. I've been trapped in Vegas with no internet connection, trying to find some bi-sexual midgets for AJ.
But know you are awesome, and will find HIM some day. And understand he will still annoy you and manage to stick his foot in his mouth.
Icecream's on me.
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