So I was talking on the phone to Rina tonight. Somewhere between the cackling, we managed to eek out a conversation.
Her daughter Ashley was giving her a hard time about going to bed. At only four, Ashley has already become wise to many of the tactics employed by her parents to achieve results, leaving them weaponless in a very dangerous war. Recently, however, Ashley’s dad found a whole new box of grenades.
Santa grenades.
You tell her if she doesn’t behave, or go to sleep, or whatever (the beauty is that it works for everything), that you are going to tell Santa. You are going to tell Santa and he will be very sad.
Yes. Does it ring a bell? Once Rina said it, I immediately recalled memories of my mother telling my sister, “If you don’t stop that, I’m going to call him right now,” and picking up the phone. And my sister would cry, and cry, and cry. And then she’d do whatever you wanted her to do in the first place.
Brilliant.
At once, an idea developed in my twisted little mind.
We need a Santa Claus for men. A Manta Claus.
Something that can be employed in moments of necessity, the ultimate power play.
What’s that? A bachelor party in Vegas this weekend? Oh, that’s ok. I don’t mind. I just think it might make Manta Claus sad. But you go ahead.
Home late again, huh? That’s it! I’m calling Manta. I’m calling him right now. See? Here I go. What? You’re sorry? Well, I don’t know…fine. But this is the last time.
A whole five minutes tonight, huh? Well, I guess someone WANTS coal in their stocking for Dickmas.
Of course, in order for this to be effective, Manta Claus would have to be in possession of something that men cherish as much as children cherish new bicycles.
And I can only think of one thing they adore that much.
So, I guess that makes me my own Manta Claus. Or maybe Santa Crotch.
Looks like Dickmas might come early this year.
More ranting
Brilliant!
Posted by: anon on September 26, 2005 11:21 PMnot to even attempt to denounce your hotty vampa claus-ness, but aren't most men just looking for a santa clOrgasm? if we think in their single-minded ways, then it makes the santa crotch that much more powerful.
you're late again? fine, not even moutha claus is gonna visit you.
Posted by: ceity on September 27, 2005 12:31 AMI was trying to talk Ashley into going to sleep while on the phone with Helena.
Me: Ashley, if you don’t go to sleep I will tell your teacher not to let you go to gymnastics tomorrow and you will have to take a nap instead.
Ashley: OK Mama
Me: It’s very late baby and you need to sleep or you will be tired tomorrow.
Ashley: OK Mama
Me: So are you going to go to sleep so you can go to gymnastics tomorrow?
Ashley: No Mama, I want to stay awake.
Me: But Ashley then that means you won’t go to gymnastics tomorrow.
Ashley: I don’t want to go, I want to stay awake!
Me: Louder – Ashley go to sleep!
I walked out of her room and told Helena, damn it I should have used Santa Claus instead! What the hell she is only 4!
Of course Auntie Helena didn’t help because all I hear in my ear is her laughing at what a difficult time I was having with mini me. That is just fine, Helena your time will come and I will be there to slip em a cookie!
Anon, you are always welcome, with an attitude like that.
Ceity, absolutely, it is definitely about The Present. We are all our own Manta Claus because we decide when and where the presents get given. AND how. Haha.
Rina, I'm sorry. I know I am ABSOLUTELY no help. But it is too funny watching you match wits with her, because you think exactly alike!
Fine, no gymnastics for you.
Fine, I didn't wanna go ANYWAY!
Oh man. It's gonna get ugly. Like, bring popcorn ugly. I can only promise I will try not to laugh quite as loud next time ;) But you know I love you.
Posted by: Helena on September 27, 2005 10:36 AMNicely done, Helena.
And Ashley sounds like a pro. Good luck, Marina! May Santa help bring years of peace to your life.
Posted by: claire on September 27, 2005 04:52 PMIsn't that called GUILT?
Posted by: Pauly D on September 27, 2005 06:48 PMYes. Guilt, or fear of punishment is how we get things done. Manta or Jesus.
You pick.
Posted by: Helena on September 27, 2005 06:54 PMBack home it was worse...because Santa did not bring the presents...it was "The Three Wise Men"...so we had strike one...two and three!
How low can we parents fall!
Tipsy
If I'm not good, the Sex Fairy doesn't come.
Try putting sex under your pillow. It's difficult.
Posted by: justin on September 27, 2005 09:40 PMOk, GUILT and LIES and THREATS are not good for any relationship.
But, my oh my... these pics make me want to stuff your stocking...
Posted by: AJ on September 27, 2005 11:14 PMI suppose you'd have me using things like COMMUNICATION and HONESTY?
Fine!! But I can tell you right now, it's just a huge waste of time...
Posted by: Helena on September 27, 2005 11:21 PM
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