So I kind of lost my shit for a while there. Not in the regular losing my shit way, either.

The first three months (well, four really) of this year brought some of the darkest times I've ever had. The poem in the extended entry (click More) from March is a testament to that. But really, I've been heading down that road for just over a year. After I moved to Los Feliz, I lost someone very important to me, and made some big realizations that scared me. But instead of coping in a good way, I just began pinballing from one romance to the next (my m.o.) hoping to find solace somehow. Surprisingly, when that didn't work, and then I was forced to be alone (due to the long distance relationship that was briefly attempted), I sort of started to unravel. Not that this should come as a shock to anyone. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

So I tried a few things to make it better. And while it's not really better yet, I feel like I at least have some kind of a grasp on things now, and the tools to start fixing myself.

I'm not sure why I feel the need to say this here. Maybe because I haven't really admitted it in a way that is undeniable. I can't laugh it off, or pretend that things are better than they are.

Some people have said (well, one religious woman, really, has said...) that they don't like my blog because I don't seem to have made much personal progress. I hate to agree, but I think it may be true. I've spent a long time pretending that certain things didn't happen to me, and as a result have done the emotional equivalent of chasing my own tail for longer than I care to admit.

Additionally, I've been told by a long-time visitor that mainly comes "for the poetry" that sometimes the things I write here seem better suited for a personal diary, not a weblog. I think that may appear to be true, too. But if you could see the stuff that goes in my Wonder Woman journal you'd know that what I publish on this site really is the filtered, sanitized, safe version of my head's contents.

Mostly, I say these things here because it's important to me that other people hear about someone feeling the same way they do. I've connected with a lot of people in a way that I never would have, if I'd been writing about baseball games or my wacky neighbors. These people, they write to me and say, Hey, I know how that is. Then I feel better, they feel better, everyone gets the warm fuzzies and are reminded that they're not alone.

I think that, ultimately, I'm providing a beneficial service. It's always nice to know there's someone out there just as crazy as (if not crazier than) you. And that someone is me.

these days

i wear pajamas
most of the time
i miss people
but still don't want them
i make plans
to get up earlier
and go do something normal
but another hour of sleep
in dreams i can shape
seems so much easier
i listen to the rain
and count the necklaces
you gave me
i think of ways
to tire myself out

crying works