Blood and Guts: Helena Lazaro: Just the way I am

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Just the way I am

August 3, 2006 11:53 PM

When I have a problem I go out, grab it by the throat, and choke the living shit out of it. This method isn't for everyone. Some people have things to say that they keep bottled up for days, years, their entire lives.

Not me.

Others have told me that they find my openness refreshing. It is what initially attracts most men to me. They call it, "down to earth." But then I turn the truth hose on them and it's a whole different story. Then they call it, "crazy." Funny how all the qualities they find so charming before they fuck me eventually become the reasons they stop fucking me. Vulnerable becomes Insecure. Observant becomes Overanalytical. Hopelessly Romantic becomes just plain Hopeless.

I beg your pardon, but I never promised you a fucking rose garden. I never led anyone on about who I was. I've laid every single feeling and thought that ever popped into my overactive little head and heart right out here for the whole world to see. And didn't you love it then? Didn't you woo me and flatter me? Didn't you spend weeks earning my trust?

Only until I was real. Only until you were inside. Only until it stopped being a silly game, and the stakes rose. Then you called off all the bets.

I'd like to apologize for my anger. I'd like to say I'm sorry for writing about you with my brutal, unkind pen. I'd like to, but I can't. See, I can't say things I don't mean. And I can't NOT say the ones I do. It's just the way I am.

More ranting

Comments

Most of our decisions are seemed to be based on fear. It would seem - without knowing all the details about your seasons of "Sex and the City" - that you've been involved with some insecure men who don't want a woman telling them that they snore. That will change.

It may help for you to learn when to let certain things go, but also, you'll meet a man with the confidence not to run away from your honesty, and all of your toe curling attributes, such as creativity, intelligence, openness and excellent grammar.

I hope I don't sound like someone wooing you before calling off the bets.

Posted by: Joe Valdez on August 4, 2006 08:47 AM

If only there were more the same, and I mean that most sincerely.

Posted by: J on August 4, 2006 08:47 AM

I can really relate to this. I'm a very open person, too, and that makes it incredibly easy to get hurt. In spite of that, I refuse to change who I am. I'm not going to play their games and if that means I get hurt, so be it.

Posted by: savia on August 4, 2006 09:02 AM

I know exactly what you're saying. Fuck em if they can't handle you. Anyone would be lucky to have someone as open and genuine as you. That probably doesn't help the way you feel one bit, but I really know what you're going through... It's something I've faced over and over again. I wish you the best.

Posted by: Jenn on August 4, 2006 09:31 AM

Wow!! What a great response :)

Joe you are right, I definitely need to learn what things are worth fighting for and which I just need to let go of.

J, my mysterious uk friend, thanks for that vote of confidence.

I'm with you Bella. I don't want to be less so that I can not scare people away.

Thank you very much for your sweet words Jenn, they do actually help--very much. I'm glad you found a good one. Does he have any brothers? ;)

Posted by: Helena on August 4, 2006 10:24 AM

He does! But they're 9, 15 and 17, I think. :)

Posted by: Jenn on August 7, 2006 09:03 AM