Before you begin, let me preface this year by saying the following: I was thirteen. Also, I read lots of Anne Rice and Fairy Stories, and listened to a lot of Cure.

Always Never
And
Boy
Broken Wings
Cat
Cat Eyes
Color Coded
Co(s)mic
Elf Boy
Feel Me
Freak
Grave Digger
Green Thumbs
H2O
Hail Thee
John Doe
Leech
Lil
Little Bo Peep
Lock Picker
Marksman
Missing
Mr. Yello Sun
Ocean
Possible
Quiet Lips Are Bliss
Revelation
Solitary
So You Say
Talisman
Vixen




Always Never

Now I'm alone and missing you
and what I'll never see.
Missing what we never were,
what we could never be.

Though what is never but a word?
Some shiny silver dart
that put 10,000 holes in me--
100 in my heart.

It struck my mind in such a way
I couldn't even think
for forty days and forty nights
(that's when I reached the brink).

I'm still alone and missing you
and what I'll always see.
Missing what we always were--
what we could always be.




And

And I just can't take it now
the way you used to look at me
And I just wish you'd tell me
what it is you used to see

And then you say that you can't tell
you've found yourself a love
and I feel so out of place
you make me a black dove

And I haven't got the time right now
so you just save your graceful bow
for someone who's as dumb as me
who doesn't hear, who doesn't see

And you take it like a joke
and you sit there and you laugh
and there's many happy wishes sent
from my entire staff

And I'm still drawn to your voice
it's the same way the sirens sing
and you can tell me something
without saying anything

And I try to give you flowers
and you try to take me down
but I prod you with the daisies
and you can't turn me around

And my life's one run-on sentence
and I look toward the sky
and rain begins to fall on me
and I begin to cry




Boy

Your love denies me
glass eye spies me

seeing all but one
Your arms surround me
words astound me

now we have begun
Your sex enfolds me
as it holds me

under lukewarm sheets
Your cries beseech me
as they reach me

wandering the streets


My boy, I love you
not above you

but beneath your wing
I cannot fear you
but I hear you

when the sirens sing
Don't let chance pass you
or harass you

as you keep your pace
I need not free you
when I see you

steady in the race




Broken Wings

You took me on your wing
For a marvelous ride you said
But I am still held underwater
as you speak among the dead
I hang on to your coat tails
I beseech you, turn around!
A miracle is what you seek
a lie is what you found

Please watch me sleep and hold me close
and whisper in my ear
of skies that have not seen the moon
and rivers that run clear
In the morning when I wake up
the note that reads Goodbye
Is all that I have left of you;
The feathers and the lie




Cat

So dignified, so dignified,
so listless and elite
So wonderous you speak to us,
"You never were complete!"
Sandpaper tongue on which you hung
your dripping honey words
You say to me you used to be
1,000 crystal birds
Reflecting eyes reflect the cries
of warm, unwanted hearts
beneath the streets, above the sheets
and supermarket carts
A loyal love lingers above
its object, though in death
The sun draws near and so we hear
the starlight's final breath
So dignified, do dignified
your corpse within a tomb
The sparrows stir when kittens purr
to warn impending doom




Cat Eyes

Your gently worn features, so careful
can't hold back what you feel
It's all in your eyes and I don't think
that I can make them real
They're glossy and so withdrawn
You don't know what to say
You let your iris tremble
and then you look away
And when you turn to look at me
I'm looking at the sky
The grass is swaying in the wind around you
So am I
How could you look at me
and not know all you mean
Sometimes I guess it's better
to forget all that you've seen

You crushed me with that last look
when we said our quick "good-byes"
and somewhere deep within my soul
are kept your yellow eyes




Color Coded

Why am I sitting here
waiting for you?
My cheeks have turned fuchsia
the street lamps turn blue

You've just backed away
you are yellow with fear
The cold, silver rain
hides your crocodile tear

Your eyes are so muddy
your envy so green
I'm pale when I try
to explain what I mean

Why do you say
you deserve purple hearts
when we've walked all this way
but we're back at the start?!

You're so red with passion
so blackened with greed
and now you're confusing
your wanting with need

These colors all hide you
a sleek camouflage?
You're a Calico cat
in my dark gray garage!

The sun is so golden
our hearts are so white
as they cling to each other
transparent at night




Co(s)mic

Take me to you universe,
let me see the moon.
The suns that hang within your eyes,
why must you leave so soon?

One more minute next to me
the only shining star.
How could two hearts be this close,
and still be held so far?




Elf Boy


Smoky billiard atmosphere
chalking up your stick.
Lovely ashen falling hair,
next, your elfin smile.
Standing so close next to me
(wishing you were mine).
Maybe I should try with you
my favorite pick up line.
Small and still, you look at me
your square and man-size jaw.
I ask you how to turn you on--
your answer is so raw.
(I could have climbed onto your lap
and blown into your ear.
I might have touched tempting palm
--I should have been sincere)
You say no woman turns you on,
but if you were for me
I'd make you sweat...I'd make you scream
I guess we'll wait and see




Feel Me

I feel so old
I feel the cold
black rain is on my face
Not what I've told
but what I hold
will save the human race

I want the sky
I feel so high
but you can't give me love
I don't know why
again I try
to capture your lone dove

I need you near
so you can hear
my heart scream out in pain
I only fear
you'll see my tear
despite the falling rain

I still feel old
I feel the cold
black rain is on my face
And now I'm told
the faith I hold
can't save the human race

Freak

If you are gone, you waved away
It's likely that I'll never know
My darling didn't say good-bye
because he never said hello

I am the victim of the lie
I am the bearer of the scar
I am the widow of the living
and the keeper of the star

I am the daughter of the sun
and the proclaimer of the truth
I am the lonely little school girl
and the embodiment of youth

I am the wearer of the moonbeam
and the drinker of the blood
I am the guest's first imposition
and the pollen of the bud

I am the wonder of the freak show
and a cloudless summer sky
I am the sin behind a tree trunk
and the iris of the eye

I am the lover of the warlock
and the hate within a soul
I am the little bit of nothing
that will someday make you whole




Grave Digger

When we used to sit alone
when we used to say such words
when he used to run his fingers
through my hair
Guess I dug myself this hole
'Cos now I'm being laid to rest
In a lovely satin box
and he's there


He's a watercolored soul
with a watercolored heart
and his watercolored laugh
would paint the sky
Now he balances a tear
on the corner of his lip
and my memory is dancing
in his eye

Snow falls on his waxen face
and on my melting waxen heart
his waxen tear is thrown off-balance
as he shakes
but his assorted pain is sold
in candy boxes lined with gold
at only finer candy stores
by viscous snakes




Green Thumbs

Tin roof rusty with the stain
of the unrelenting rain

I've the newest kind of lover
which such suave and such finesse
who doesn't realize the potential
of the words that we possess

Please understand me
little boy
I'm not your puppet
or a toy
for your amusement
in spare time
it seems amusement
is your crime
I'm just no ready
for your kiss
which brings subsidiary
bliss
The mosses growing
on my soul
Must consequently
take their toll




H2O

I'm sitting on the tiled floor
I'm turning on the sink
I'm making a transition
I'm trying not to think

The water runs so smoothly
There's nothing left to do
I'm sitting on the tiled floor
trying not to think of you

You just got up and left me
You didn't say "Good-bye"
I was widowed in a moment
and was left no time to cry

We planted seeds together
then you dug them out by hand
and now I see we buried them
in powdered desert sand

It doesn't matter now
you will pretend that I am dead
It's one of the small fantasies
contained in your small head




Hail Thee

Don't look now, I'm almost gone
I'm trying to hide what I've become

Don't look now, you just might see
the withered pieces that were me

One small blue flower stands alone
amid the truths I might have known

I see a boy made up of glass
the kind I'd probably harass

into a very early grave
(I love the way he seemed so brave)

And when he touched me I was more
than slumping shoulders and wide hips

He somehow felt me deep inside
when he caressed my lips

The birds sing songs of boundless joy
Butterflies all kiss my hands

and my love is struck into the ground
where one blue flower stands




John Doe

Please set me free
you mean to me
more than the orange sun
But you can't see
I'll never be
your sugar honey-bun

All that I taught
and what I sought
was crammed into my mind
So I forgot
that what you sought
is what we'll never find

Please run along
I feel it's wrong
to bind your soul to mine
You sing a song
of life so long
of happiness and wine

There is no way
for me to say
these words without regret
Although I may
have gone astray
forgive but don't forget




Leech

I long to hold you
to break your intact heart
to taste the sweet death you excrete
so sweet
Sweet like the lust
which gnaws my very bones
slurs my very words
Sweet as the honey flowing in my veins
drumming in my ears
The death sweet as joy
sending me dancing
turning upwards
to the stars...
past those moonbeams
which rest so nicely
in the cobweb clouds
like dew on apple blossoms
Call our attention to two lovers
embracing themselves
loving their own hearts
lost somewhere
in one anothers' soul
Something in me
is crying for your touch
The soothing that it brings
The magic that it holds

I'm standing on a rainbow

Your eyes are living
as two suns held from me
Sweet as the blood that fills you
to the brim;
the nectar filling our hearts
rushing in our beings
lingering
still
on our lips
Lifting me
holding me
stroking my withered love
and whispering to me
of stars




Lil

Too much empty time
a gaping hole through which I fall
Too much idle watching
out the window in the wall

Easy time to let it go
to set the angles free
Easy time to sit alone
and leave my demons be

Love is mine though black, still true
but loving comes too soon
Passion's heart is now in me
loving but the moon

Eyes that roll and hearts that sing
and souls which run untamed
will not be mine, for I am Lil,
or otherwise unnamed




Little Bo Peep

Please look away
before you say
you can't hold on to me
you went astray
and now I pray
that I can set you free

How do I know
when to let go
of all I hold so dear
My heart in tow
you walk as though
you have nothing to fear

I've just begun
to let the sun
into my hollowed soul
The only one
who saw me run
is One Who Made Me Whole




Lock Picker

So we are here together
What is that supposed to mean?
I've finally seen that I can love
but don't love what I've seen
Your lips shine silver in the moon
Your soul has just brushed mine
I can feel you weakening
(for now, you are divine)

Our eyes have locked, and now I fear
that I have lost the key
to free me from the knowing glance
which traps and tortures me




Marksman

Gold stands between us
and rubies below
Trying to verbalize
all that you know
Whisper intently
while bending my ear
face damp with sweat
and a quivering tear

Dancing melodic
and silvery voice
Choosing a lover
when there is no choice
Satin-white eyelids
with lashes like silk
Limbs spreading freely
and flowing like milk

Lips soft like sunshine
your words quick as air
Eyes brimmed with summer
your honey gold hair
Face of a cherub
the grace of the moon
Noting your presence
the heavens must swoon

Tip of an arrow
is piercing the skin
Your aim has been perfect
you're guilty as sin
Waters seem endless
up onto the shore
Free love has spoken
arousing the poor

Your voice has now quickened
producing the slur
of many small whispers
the stars seem to stir




Missing

I don't know what gave you the right
to take away my only light
It seems to me that we all are
toy soldiers in your little war
You took me down and held me there
I learned to like the musty air
that somehow got inside of me
and showed me how cold lust can be
A bloody veil that covered you
is all that's left (your magic, too)
My only love, my only trust
is now encased in bitter rust
Your dragon's teeth, and pixie's hair
are set aside for One More Fair
The little things that could've been
have sunk into a sea of sin
The star that was a part of you
is all that's left (your magic, too)




Mr. Yello Sun

Hello Mr. Yello Sun,
can you help me forget?
The clouds are passing me by
like you the day we met

You were mine, and I was yours
we played the ancient games
Your memory's in the blazing fire
with Mr. Yello Flames

Look at me now, look at you
or are you still as blind?
The rain is getting in my head
and dampening my mind

Try to replace me-- we all know
you can't and never will
Shoot you venom in my veins
but you can't hold me still

Fluorescent lights can hide you now
How 'bout a cup of tea?
Your eyes are focused on my brow
Why can't you look at me?

Cross my fingers, pray for luck
Perhaps the phone will ring
I'm drowning in a pool of guilt
"Good-bye, good-bye!" you sing

The walls around your soul, my dear,
are falling one by one
I'm hoping that you'll love me, too
like I love Mr. Sun

Hello Mr. Yello Sun
Can you help me forget
Bright feathers are floating on by
like you the day we met




Ocean

A siren, you are, on a island
A feather, I am, in the sky

I am tossed by the wind, I am caught by the sea,
I am held by the strength of your soul
I am struck by the star as my will goes to war
I am partial then I become whole

Sure one day you will know, you will reap what you sow
you will view my invisible pain
but you might never be just a small part of me
standing cold in the silvery rain

Strawberry-red heart which is now at the start
of a long and unbearable lie
and I mean what I say when I scare you away
telling tales of a strawberry pie

The feather now rests...glinting eyes...heaving chests
so my soul is at peace near a pond
What a wizard you are...sounding near...feeling far
with a touch of your glittery wand

And you laugh as I fall casting shadows on all
holding hands with the wicked, I see
All the games that you play, and the things you don't say
have destroyed any magic in me




Possible

For a brief instant I am held by invisible strings
as a puppet of earth...

Something so sweet, it cannot exist
Lovers, so few, always died
Hide me within you as once before
Observing the tears that I cried

Plant me two seeds; love and harmony
growing two trees; hate and greed
Show me the face of our Beelzebub
On this the malevolent feed?!

Point out the pipers among the crowd
searching their souls at a glance
Hold them as fondly as ruby jewels
while dancing a dark macabre dance



Quiet Lips Are Bliss

My words (which smile so sheepishly)
are carried by the sun--
see lands unseen, hear sounds unheard,
My words become undone.
The moss which crowds eternally
upon my sickened mind
commands the use of eloquence
and pity for the blind.
My ignorance has stemmed, it seems,
from things I was not shown
I moan to think of things I know
and things I might have known.
I know you can not give to me
the things that I love best.
I might have known you'd take me
then you'd leave me for the rest.
I know you have a second face
that cannot tell a lie.
I might have known you'd hide that face--
the other winks his eye.
This is, I know, the only thing
that holds me to my word.
I might have known you'd clip my wings
and cage me as your bird.
Though ignorance is bliss, I say
a kiss is just as free
So put your quiet lips to mine
since bliss is not for me.




Revelation

Tears behind my closed eyes.
I cannot decide where my hands belong.
What a way to break the news of your second coming.

This is my belief:
That you are only here to leave,
and that your coming is a blessing
to the lonely who believe.
I am a rabbit (or a field mouse)
who was caught upon a snare.
I turn to thank my liberator
but you are no longer there.

You have the wisdom of 1,000
and a patience that is new
with every misty early morning
heavy with a milky dew.
I can't believe that I believe you,
and the wonders that you preach.
But I believe your revelation
isn't very far from reach.



Solitary

Perhaps there is a seed
within the very pit of your heart
which holds you true
to this dark lust
You seem to me
whole
and at one time even made me whole
but once you were taken
I was less than I had been prior to you
You sit in an angular room
your long arms
dangling over oblivion
There are so many happy things that we did
and so much time in the universe
How could it end so soon?
How could you not take all we were together
make it a wonderful star?

Sometimes to myself
I believe I could go it all...
solitary...
Then I am met by your eyes
and solitary is not merely a state
but a way of life
and a name




So You Say

I'm smiling at the mirror
now I'm sitting on the ground
My eyes have just been blinded
my ears can hear no sound

I'm tearing up your photograph
your searing crystal eyes
I hold the pieces to my heart
reliving our sweet lies

Opaque words nestle close to me
(and one abandoned dove)
They roost among the many thorns
You say that this is love?




Talisman

Sweet sugar voices
don't know what I mean
Wond'rous intentions
so silver and clean
Twice struck by lightning
reduced to an ash
The night becomes fearsome
the forces must clash
Your form is before me
your hands touching mine
The lovers must bicker
The lonely must pine
The words that flowed freely
have finally stopped
Your lip is not twitching
Your gaze has not dropped
My tears are not useless
(but feeble, I think)
So maybe, sweet darling,
my heart will not sink
You say we are over
won't see me tonight
You will tap at my window
before it is light
I thought we'd completed
this sickening game
The title seems different
the rules are the same




Vixen

Walk on me! Step on me--
bearing your claws.
Shove at me! Sneer at my
magnified flaws.
Sweetest eyes, bitter words,
knife in my gut.
Second rate bimbo and
two-faced slut.
Steal him to spite me
and throw off my life!
Grinning you take back
your stainless steel knife.

User and liar, you
bloodsucking leech!
You and the sleaze have slid
beyond my reach.
I'm coming to find you
and burn you alive.
I'm counting down backwards.
I'm starting from five.
Four, three, two--
now you seem nailed to the floor
Keeping your posture
you tap at the door.
The whore hides behind you
and trembles in fear...
But all the while whispers
sweet things to your ear.