1993 was a good year to see me fluctuate from obsessive love to obsessive hate in the course of a few short weeks. It makes me feel particularly sympathetic for Josh DeLeon, who had to fight off my advances using every tool imaginable...which, of course, made me despise him--and adore him--all the more. Also, it is amusing to note that in the "dedication" for several of these torrid love poems, I have the names of boys I don't even remember knowing. Just goes to show that you can never trust a poet. Today we say that we will die without you, tomorrow we don't even remember your name. Well, maybe not tomorrow, but certainly ten years later.


3rd Degree
Academy Award
Anything and Everything All Your Life
Bad Relations Seem to Lead to What I Call a Home
Beans
Bottlerocket
Busybody
Certainly Not I
Chocolate Covered Cherry Bubblegum
Chusma
Dancing
Dead Last
Deaf As Anything
Doug
Egg
Eternal
Exfriend
For the Rain
Go Down
Hiding Tree
I am Nothing More Than a Novelty
I Think the Only One Who Loves Me is My Dog
I Will Not Blow Her Out (Scumbag)
Jezebel
Johnny
Juerito
Lilac
Loving (So Soon)
Misty Moon
Mr. Mister
One
Onus
Pepperette
Pianist's Hands
Pixie
A Pointless Poem About Digital Clocks, Cheese, Orange Juice, and Love
Pooh-I-Try
Sexually Challenged
Something: 1
Something: 2
Soulmate
Soulwhat?!
Spoons
Sour Grapes are Good for One Thing
Stupid, Inc.
Take Two
Telephone
Thief
This
This Sun
Tumbleweed We Are
Two Tonys
Warlock
Winter
Wonder
You
You and Your Weak Bitch





3rd Degree

Now I'm frying I'm alone
and I'm waiting by the phone

If you watch me you will see
Just how painful love can be

I've a castle in the sky
Some prefer to call it pie

The room she's in is scorching
and she's trapped inside -- poor thing

See Mark burning with desire
See Jane try to quench the fire

No, I don't believe in love
my salvation is a glove

left somewhere on the floor
as she walked out through his door

I'm not sure I understand
but I've two seeds in my hand

One is striving, one has died
as my thoughts have multiplied

You have so much left to learn
I just bet you're going to burn



Academy Award

I feel
right now
more lonely
than I could have ever imagined
myself
Gripping
as if it were my very soul
a half empty box of tissue
and a blue pen
I think sometimes
that I will never make it
That I will become lost or forgotten
in the rush
That the audience will diminish
And without an audience
what more is left to say
What could be more exquisite
than applause
bouncing from off the ceiling
onto the top of your head
What can compare to the moment
you hear your own voice
being heard by someone else
To simply be loved
is the unparalleled joy
and ecstasy for the performer
The world for my stage
I'm playing to you
my character naive
and gullible
so vulnerable
and susceptible
to the cruelty of your words
or the anger
of the storm
I run
because if I
broke character
it would be a shame
now wouldn't it



Anything and Everything All Your Life

Everything flows
between your lips
and crushes me
tonight
Everyone finds
the very niche
I've searched for all this life
Everywhere seems
an endless trek away
Anything
unobtainable
Anyone home
today
will do all right
for the time being
Anywhere
is Everywhere
an endless trek away



Bad Relations Seem to Lead to What I Call a Home

I've been meaning to have that removed
(my conscience, that is)
I've been feeling like scum
You've been gone for so long
I forgot who you were
Just maybe you remember me

Burgundy sequins and fancy white lace
surrounding angelic contemptuous face
If you don't love me, then maybe you will
Thinking you miss me is good for a thrill
Maybe you left me for making a scene
You seem awful lonely, you know what I mean?

I ran back to you once before
and will not be repeating my mistake
a third time over
I know what I want
I am still the same
You are the only scene that changed
I'll tell you one thing, hypocrite
you used to be a man



Beans

This drinking brings a freedom
to which no other can compare
No surprise
that I poured in too much sugar
My blistered tongue is matching
to my swollen thoughts
which are drowning
in this white ceramic mug
which also bears uncanny resemblance
to I-can't-remember-what-just-now
This European blend
soothing frazzled ends

He tore me
tore me thoroughly
and when I had been torn
heaped coals of fire
on my head
and when I had been burnt
he tarred and feathered what was left
and when I had been shunned
He left me with a cup of coffee
and a cigarette
a mouthful of my medicine
and three confusing words
which I can not quite remember
but were somewhere along the line of
go
to
hell



Bottlerocket

Somehow we never seemed wrong together
I mean, sometimes people are just right for one another
I feel we’re more than right
But how I feel is irrelevant now
because you have removed yourself into a higher sphere of life
and I know if I follow
you will only elevate yourself again
leading me on a chase upward to the stars
You make yourself unobtainable
then slip into my arms a moment
before shooting like a rocket
And you must laugh
You must laugh at the top of your lungs
at the top of your lungs
flying to the moon
on MY wings
(Thank you very much)
Laugh because you have once again crushed the jackass that I am
that I provide fuel for the furnace
and ignite him myself
then burn my hands in his heat



Busybody

Stumbled up the stairs
in the dark
just now
Thinking about you
and how empty
rumors make me
So you just want to fuck me
I believed you were in love
or at least
not merely infatuated with my breasts
and the broken sentences you whispered
though half were unintelligible
as we rose were nothing
Pushme-Pullme promises
Dr. Dolittle is a god
and my momma told me jack-shit
about days like this
so your cantaloupe is split wide open
Honey, you'd better believe
I've heard every snitch and snatch of gossip
and speaking of snatch,
who was that callgirl
hanging on your bony arm
No
don't worry for me
I'll be fine on my own
And when you start to hanker
for a hand job
just the way you like it
well
don't worry about that either
because I plan on wrapping
family sized vaseline
for your birthday



Certainly Not I

I don't know why it gets to me
Unkind words are nothing new
and besides that words are just that--
words
Why do these tiny darts pierce me so deeply
(They can run me through)
In one breath you can make me
then tear me all up
None of this matters
because you are distant
detached
The same features that lured me once
now slap me in the face
(I turn the other cheek)
(Like always)
(Who knows why)
(Certainly not I)



Chocolate Covered Cherry Bubblegum

His jaw working that gum like you wouldn’t believe
Beautiful in everything
Everything in one breath
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think I might lose myself in the curving of his lips
or the tremors of his hands
So beautiful in everything
I feel Hopeless and angry
This rejection is eating my soul
like chocolate-covered cherries
(Sweet)
Love at first sight?
I will be more than everything
I will make myself beautiful in one breath
I can feel his jaw...
working...
working...
chewing me up
and stretching me like bubblegum
Hopeless and angry rejection
Eating my chocolate-covered cherry
in (Sweet) recognition



Chusma

I am not loud
(purposely, at any rate)
I am not rude
(to annoy you)
But I will not suppress my utter hatred
for the deterioration
of the human race
or crowd-pleasing participants
I will not be silenced
I will belch
curse
snap my gum
blow my smoke in your face
if you piss me off
and occasionally adjust my undergarments
in public places
if the need be
And if this makes me rude
or loud
then you've never seen new years eve with 23 Cubans

¡Soy Chusma, y si no le gusta--
pues te lo metes por el culo!



Dancing

In a tumbling dream I am drawn to you
across oceans
and deserts
and fields
solely by your strength
Earth beneath me
Moon above me
You are all between...
I feel a closeness in you manner
I feel clumsy in your arms
I stand near you
undeserving
How could I ever have dreamed
that there would be a time
when you would speak to me
draw near to me
and bless me with your words
I feel I am a burnt and wicked creature
beside you
that your light should be wasted
on my soul
that you should be disgraced
to the point of my touching you
my filthy eyes
laying hold of you
You are smiling silver angel
Faultless and innocent...
so perfect



Dead Last

Dying embers
in the meantime
Holding on to what is not
turning slowly
writhing softly
in a warm voluptuous dream
Falling rampant anger holds me
in its quick and painless lie,
"He is not real"
"He is worthless"
but, "He soon will love me too"
Easy moving
heavy breathing
There is nothing in my arms
There is something in his smiling
There is something in his eyes
interfering with a moment
I might somehow share with you
I am empty
there are words that now
become a burden
too
because I'm hoping he is something
but I know that I am through



Deaf As Anything

I have never felt more beautiful
you have never seemed to me
this amazing and incredible
My lips are on fire
My face is on fire
The night is on fire
I breathe hard on the flames
I want to understand you
I have so much to give you
Will you accept the gifts I make
without giving them away
I feel too much
My weightless words upon your neck,
"Tell me what you need,"
but I don't think you heard me
Do you think that you can hear me?



Doug

Sun shining off your back
I will never love again
(You are the same)
Everything you cared about
now matters less than words
I want to show you
who I am
(You never really knew)
You still mean to me everything

Rain falling off your face
you called me Doug



Egg

Nothing is enough
I've lost concentration
You can not make it up
My will is crushed entirely
the prospects seeming bleak
You leave me with nothing
(when you're everything, it's not that tough to do)
You gave only hunger
I begged for your heart
and lost in fury do not realize
what is happening to me
I let myself go
trusting your words
to break the fall
In their absence I am
shattered
scattered
neatly on the surface of your mind
penetrating
I am waiting
for the final word my love
that will draw me back together
and the impact of the lie
will seem extremely small and meaningless
until you let me go.



Eternal (A Letter To Alex)

You know, last night I realized a lot of my dreams. I understood so many words lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering when sleep would come, if it ever would.

That I might crawl in your arms today, and you might hold me there! The whole world could rain down on me, and it wouldn't make the slightest difference. I'm running around, looking for I-don't-know-what; maybe a miracle, or just a second chance. An event to make me feel like I was worth something to someone . To imagine that when everything was gone, there would be someone left. And I could leave and come back, and they would still be waiting for me. We could share everything, and learn. Our existence would be as eternal as the moon. So many things to say, and so many years, to days and moments. We could talk forever.

The weight I cannot carry you are here to help me with. You meant to me everything and now you mean to me even more, because I turned around so lonely. When I looked back, you were there.

Exfriend

Please get gone
Oh,
Please get gone
Out of my head
and soul
Be done with me
and let me be
Continue on your route
to hell
my friend
yes
hell my friend
Do not look back again
and take with you
your lousy jokes
your tasteless jokes
your tacky
dated
one-line
jokes
Yes get you gone
to war
my friend
The land mines
friend
will get you
friend
and blow your ass away
Yes off with you
into the sun
and may the day be bright
But Hades will reject you
friend
Yes
even Hades
dearest friend
will guard the gates
of hell
sweet friend
against
the likes of you



For the Rain

Capture this feeling
The stars in the sky
The love at the threshold
If you knew what I was thinking
you might turn away
You might look away
for the rain
You might touch me softly
The tears in my eyes
are reason enough for a kiss
The lights from a hilltop
The shape of your hand
engraved in the front of my mind
The length of an hour
unable to move
unable to reach for the sun
with my bent and cold fingers
push into the sky
stretch out to the universe
Capture the light
and bring it back
at your command
Your diamond drop cat eyes
bejewel the night
and look at me through mirrors
The wind in my hair
the knife in my back
The doubt in my head
and my heart
I am waiting
for the rain



Go Down

There is something of a sadness inside me
and with every passing day it buries itself farther and farther
in my consciousness.
soon it will disappear beneath the skin
and no one will really believe it's there.
patronizing like when they listen to you
wide-eyed
but don't really comprehend
or believe
what you're saying.
am i too eager to be held--those arms.
i am sure that he will not believe this
and he will just smile
until i look away.
i'm not a know-it-all.
in fact the only thing i know
is that you are very good looking
and you say you like my poetry
and my new hair cut.
if you would like to tell me
about your dysfunctional family
and drug abuse
or how the only one who ever loved you
was your dog Bobo
that's okay too.
i mean i won't mind.
but when you tell me he died on the highway
i will coo sympathetically
only because your lips become tremulous-
your fingers restless.
i smile
until you look away.
i do not believe the sadness
in your consciousness.
but i sure would like to go down.



Hiding Tree

Within a picture
moving picture
keeping with
a slowing pace
Hiding quickly
breathing heavy
there is nothing
in my arms
Lying slowly
Sliding slyly
in the burnt
and yellow grass
Rocking swiftly
in the oak tree
under creeping tangle vines
Spinning darkness
light has dwindled
to a small and dying speck
you are sweeter than
a honey in the soft
and falling snow
Is there anything
to count on
in a wide and rolling sky
in a warm and spilling dream
or your cracked voluptuous smile
underneath the creeping vines
of my secret hiding tree



I am Nothing More Than a Novelty

You are driving into me
with each word
further and further
instilling the dream
Uncanny and unnerving
your knack for holding my attention
Unparalleled the beauty
Your lips forming
unforming
in an endless and marvelous pattern
Your song flowing into this cold
unopened night
Envelope me with the warmth
of your kiss
Your passionate kiss
I could love those lips forever
Or at least until
my novelty
wore off to you
and it was decided that the best thing
for your egocentric plan
would definitely not be me

I could tear off those goddamned lips

What then
would be the extent of your magic?



I Think the Only One Who Loves Me is My Dog

Today was a day
one of those days
I'm sure you've had
when incredible dreams
curdle and sour
I'm so tired
very tired
of the way
everything twists
so I can't see where I'm headed
What is worse yet is
knowing
what I'm in for and being so damned
helpless
I'm tired of people
candy coated people
that turn bitter
if you suck long enough
to find their middles
I'm tired of trying to guess
whether or not this is a facade
I'm tired of feeling these lies invade
the open and innocent space
I'm hungry
for someone who is certain
and full
I am tired of
holding
heaving
supporting
the burden
of everyone and their split personality
I am tired of looking
looking
looking



I Will Not Blow Her Out (Scumbag)

Oh how comfortable
that you should take your leave of me now
I will also conveniently forget
that you loved me
and for your benefit
I will not beshrew
your tiny flames
I will not blow your candles into
the next galaxy
If you line them up
they may shed some light on the subject of
-frosting-
my defenses with sugar and paste
I was a pyre for you
until you left me
head first
in a bucket of
things left to be desired
Extinguished
I still overpower
your newest matchstick
Why do you cup your hands
I will not blow her out
because she will be ash
far sooner than



Jezebel

All innocence has washed away
to show a brand new face
This is Jezebel
Scooping pieces of my soul
toss the vultures crumbs
I love Jezebel
When words have no more meaning
(and love is just a word)
Call me Jezebel
What once was pure is smoldering
I am Jezebel



Johnny

These bitter struggles
are suffocating me
are becoming more important
(almost)
than the hunger for companionship
I do not think I crave you
that badly
don't need you badly enough
to just shoot myself
(I'm Psyche)
Butterfly finds someone to kiss
rainbow lips and tongue
He sucks the life right out of me
With only his eyes on my neck
Oh
Nectar



Juerito

I feel meaningless today
and the world
is packed into a cereal bowl
that overflows
when you pour in the milk

Like saladitos on my tongue
you feel bitter
small and round
"Tan Fina" me dijistes
with your thick American accent
Little Juerito
I was too much mujer for you to handle
Te hice mucho dano?
Well
I can't say I'm sorry and mean it
So
Vaya con dios, Jeurito mio
and tell him I'm still not Catholic



Lilac

So what do you do
when the one you want
wants everyone else
and when you close your eyes
they're sitting there
staring at you
maybe even laughing
and you can't get them to go away
no matter how much you blink
When you open your eyes
you are relieved of their presence
but only temporarily
because once something strikes you as pleasant
you will never forget it
because of the way
the petals slide gracefully down
into a forest of leaves
because the perfume is so delicate
and the whole thing
might ruin in one breath
I will never forget this man
because of the way he angles his chin
to the sky at night
because of the way he holds his hat
and runs his finger lightly
over the sides
because of the way his hair clings
unkempt
to the sides of his face
and frames him like a picture of desire



Loving (So Soon)

I'd tell you what I think of you
(But I am more humane)
I'd break you with my naked words
(But can not cause you pain)
I'd show you what is left of me
(But do not own my shell)
I'd take you to my recent home
(But I forgot the key to hell)
I'd keep you in a plastic cup
and rest you near my bed
To watch you sleep where "Dixie" reads
just level with my head
I'd give you all the useful things
you never gave to me
I'd make you what you always were
(What I could never be)
I'd do these things just to begin
I'd take you to the moon
And back 1,000 times (or more)
but loving came too soon



Misty Moon

Misty Moon for all the trouble
at the edge of my sanity
and gain
Behind a mask of cobweb
Above a sea of gauze
At the water there is nothing
but a shell that whispers and echoes again
to me bent and straining ear
below a cruel and merciless god
who sends me a misty moon
You expect me to survive and face
a frozen wind in my direction
(leaning in)
(leaning in)
hoping soon you will be to my back
And all the trouble at the edge of my sanity
turns and smiles to my gain
You breath cascades on me like angel wishes
and throws me into confusion
which is still a better fate than
losing myself in a misty moon
enshrouded by a mask of cobweb
above a sea of gauze



Mr. Mister

You are god
I just learned your first name
from a mutual friend
So I wonder who you are
you have a definite look
and what would it be like
in your arms
on your lids
I guess this is obsessing
But obsessing isn't so bad
if kept well out of proportion
So I'll obsess over you some more
They say you have a woman
This I can handle
They say she is possessive
This I can handle
They say she is beautiful
This I can not stand
Jealousy
POURS out of every orifice of my body
And I wonder
how could someone as perfect as you
be tied to another human being
Your father must have been a saint
your mother a nymph
So I sit
in this very uncomfortable chair
Wonder how to subtly turn you on to me
Suddenly I am blessed with the integrity
of a house plant
and since sewing myself to the back of your shirt
would not be deemed as subtle
I suppose I'll just have to continue obsessing over you
until the sky caves in on my head
or
I work up the courage to say hello
Whichever comes first



One

Damn you
Damn you for being the center of my attention
for captivating me the way you do
For giving me more than you know
with your sideways
casual glance
Damn you to hell
for holding me in the dream I come to
night after night
You have me wrapped up like a Christmas gift
and the brightly colored bows on my head
embarrass me to no end
signaling to all who come
that you have got me stuck
Damn you
for having struck the panic in my breast
For stealing from me
unknowingly
the last square inch of dignity
I possessed
Damn you
for being everyone
and everything so far away
for keeping me away from me
for making me obsess over you
in the darkness of 4AM
and not even knowing that you do



Onus

A minute ago
you held my hand
and kissed my lips hello
You wondered out loud
whether time
or space
or oceans
could pull us apart
Now I watch in disgust
displeasure
discord
as you kiss her lips hello
and toy with her hair
and laugh like a fool
because only a fool
(and no one else)
will disavow his right
to speak a valid truth
to my attentive ear
before a crowded room
beneath a harsh fluorescent light
You don't hear what I say
because I am only a burden
as heavy and cold as a lie
If I could close my eyes
or turn away--
believe my friend
I would
Since
if you close your eye
and turn away from pain
you are a god
If you avert your mind
from the truth I speak
you may find silence in the lee
but if you cover your ears
and kiss yourself
and give my words away
I brace my heart to face the wind
because I am the fool.



Pepperette

Leaving the familiar taste
of your kisses
cigarettes and peppermints
Your crazy
destructive
manner of speaking
Public displays of affection
are all right
with seven viewers being
maximum capacity
for your pepperette kiss
But if I don't belong here
where do I go



Pianist's Hands

I exchanged words with him
for the first time
tonight
in the darkness
of a spinning
drawn-out act
and everything was
quite polite
although I needed
to hold him in
and kiss him
with the passion
of a mistress
who has waited
far too long
I wanted to show him
the extent of my longing
and destroy the image
the impression of myself
I know he has
engraved on the front
of his mind
already
Electric
his tongue flashing between his teeth
If I let myself fall into your arms
would you hold me there and touch me
with your graceful hands;
Pianists hands
that swoop
now and then
into your hair
So agile
and generous
they dance
that quickly
between orion's belt
and a shooting star
which I didn't get to see
Such delicate finery
What would I give
to hold your precious hand in mine
Electric
in your manner
with those graceful hands
pianists hands
touch me please
tonight



Pixie

Don't feel bad for me
I'm just lonely
Don't feel sorry,
when you seem so wrapped up in your own agony
Only, hold me in your arms
and let my grievances rise
I feel nothing...
and everything
Your arm around my waist
your glance above my hands
Please encircle me in thoughts
Dress me up
I am yours
Show me the way to the darkness
as the light has a very strict dress code
I will let my soul drown
Your red and gold passion
in the sun
seems a fortune
to me
the lone pixie
and traveler



A Pointless Poem About Digital Clocks, Cheese, Orange Juice, and Love

The digital clock is screaming at me
3:45!3:45!3:45!
Have you ever wondered about revenge
on a digital clock
I pull the dusty white plug
out of the socket
and smile to myself
Yes
I am maniacal
according to the you
My maniacal self
eases quietly down the stairs
In the refrigerator
is a block of cheese
bigger than
twice the size of my head
And some orange juice
On the bedroom floor
I am sucking on a block of cheese
twice the size of my head
I can't stand orange juice



Pooh-I-Try

He is an angel from across the room. the lower half of his face hidden by his hands. his eyes closed. maybe he is contemplating life with me. perhaps he is imagining what it would be like to come home to me every night. there are a lot of things he could imagine if he is creative (and he is). he could picture himself holding the remote control on the couch in our living room with my head in his lap. possibly he is wondering how he would go through the motions with someone so new to him. he is...he is...he is...he has. he might see himself wrapped around me in the morning and i will make him get up and make the coffee. he will make the coffee and he will find my cigarettes and he will buy me tampons no griping. this because he loves me. and he conjures all that as he sits with his eyes shut his face half-hidden by his hands

of course he could be sleeping

Sexually Challenged

And they are laughing
They are talking
why can't I just take her
by that beautiful silky hair
and throw her someplace far away
Why can't I just scoop him up
and make him love me
and me alone
What prevents me from wearing
something tight and revealing
to charm my way into his pants
it wouldn't be all that hard
to take her in between my teeth
chew her into nothingness
No
not that difficult at all
and with pieces of the bitch
in my wisdoms
I could slither right up
to the god Jupiter himself
and make sick
immoral
and inappropriate suggestions
It doesn't seem too hard



Something: 1

When everything drones so constantly
and thoughts become a chain
of endless rain and reasoning
we will be said as sound
The honest claims you make to me
amaze my simple mind
You seem a bright and spinning star
in the softest twilight sky
If there is someone on this sorry earth
to match your intellect and skill
then by all means let them show themselves
to my sharp
selective eye!
In response is only silence
On your face
I feel the smile
of a god
who is triumphant
You are
wind
and earth
and love
Yes
If you see what runs inside of me
and feel my urgent need
to hold you
in these open arms
you hear my cry to you
then come into my fallen dream
and kiss me in the way
that you kissed me underneath the moon
so long ago



Something: 2

I am so terribly confused
I feel so terribly alone
I am so comforted right now
only by my pen
and this paper
after much talk of love
and promises of wisdom
or lessons in seductive listening
Your words are see-saw
and how do I say
that I hate
what you stand for
I hate the way your lip drops
when you are thinking
I hate the way you smirk
and pick at your cuticles
and smile at me
like a cat who has just eaten my fern
I hate
the way you melt in my arms
well
maybe I like
the way you melt in my arms
but
the way you melt in my arms
is entirely beside the point
What I really hate
is how you make me small
so small I
disappear
and in your shadow
I am left



Soulmate

I knew my soul mate
met my soul mate
saw my soul mate
in the door of a tiny
sun filled coffeehouse
His insight is incredible
His wisdom resounding in me
His storytelling endless
He has more experience
than I could ever hope for
The energy he brings in speech
outweighs that of a child
He is my hero
and I feel an unexplainable connection
every time he opens his mouth
An impulse to take his hand
beg him to lead me away
from the ignorance
in this world
to the spring of solemnity
and well-being
Today I knew my soul mate



Soulwhat?!

You never showed up
in my only dream

In this lifetime I am lost
to the stinging hope
that I am the one
for someone
I once thought
that Jim Henson was my soul mate
That was short lived
when I found out they were puppets
I was crushed
I was also once convinced that the old man
who came around here once in a while
and would talk my ear off about politics and chocolate
was the one
He would just go on until I was convinced that YES
he is the one!
Well
he stopped hanging around and I realized
that we'd never have sex anyways
So I have come to the conclusion
that my true soul mate is somewhere on the other side of the earth
wearing a groin cloth
crouched over a fire
never having heard of civilization
quite content in his cave
(just another cruel joke on me
pulled at the other end by life)



Sour Grapes are Good for One Thing

You aren't the asshole
I met
a few short months ago
You've changed
for someone's egocentric whims
and forgotten that I gave you more
than you've had all your life
in one action
one word
Are you seeking a face
with nothing
behind her
or held
in a porcelain smile
I have more to offer you
than 1,000
empty wine cellars
and dew-covered vineyards
or her cracked and hidden hands
I am outstretched and expanding still
to encompass
and surround you
like the night



Spoons

This is not where I want to stay
You are not who I want to kiss
We are lost to the wind
from a desolate place
I can never make him understand

that we are together unbreakable
My wish unintelligible
etched deep in this palm
The crease of a knuckle
is pending and dangerous now
since my whims
are engraved on the side
No
I will never ever get what I want
Never achieve who
I am
and
I am
after something
running twice as fast as me
and you are becoming farther away and harder to see
and the minutes stretch around me
down onto the slippery ground
They bind my ankles
fill my mouth
spiral
entwined in one another and
coating the world
weave a blanket to hold you and hold me
to warm us in the way
that a fix loves the junkie
and baby
you know I love you



Stupid, Inc.

I don't know why
I'm torturing myself over someone
who doesn't even care
If my pen runs out of ink now
I'll shoot everyone in Whittier
I feel very sick and alone
everything annoys me
The general direction of my life
is sloping downwards
I am so stupid
stupid
stupid
I can never enjoy anything for what it is
I knowingly set goals out of my reach
Why must I perplex myself?
Why must I drown myself?
Why must I insist on dragging innocent people down with me?
How do I cope with questions like these
constant in my hands
burning holes in my eyes
like a cigarette
What will become of lost knowledge?
Where does misused trust go when it's dead?
What have I come to?
I do not feel social tonight



Take Two

I must be dreaming
he just touched me
in the stillness of a dream
I must be crazy
he is leaving into
lands beyond my reach
He is the master and Indsider
to the silent picture screen
He is becoming to the lover
the performer that I am
He is someone who is everyone
Director of the Scene
I am so shiftless without guidance
taking wisdom from his words
We're not making names or finding fame
We won't touch Mann's Chinese
I am beneath the lights an amateur
We will not screen tonight
Yes, I am made up;
I am ready
for a second take just now



Telephone

We look so bored
We sit aside
from humanity in general
I'm sorry I don't call anymore
but I'm afraid that the receiver
will swallow me



Thief

I wish I had you
I wish you were mine
I wish you were mine now
and here
right away
The loneliness sometimes
engulfs me
Like trees steal water
from the saplings
I can't spell today
and there's a pain in my shoulder



This

Leave me l
onely in
this b
ed
can you h
old me
for a mo
me
nt that will str
etch
into a y
ear or be
lieve that you
will n
ever
love me
huh?



This Sun
Your kiss was so inviting
Your hands suggesting
more than you will ever know
and it is more than
difficult and strenuous
to curb the urge
to take you into my private arms
What would it mean
if I held you there
and traced blindly
the lines of your face
with my fingertips
over and over
memorizing
absorbing
What would it mean
if we remained intertwined
in the soft
and marmeladish
sun
for hours on hours on hours
And made a great ceremony
of exchanging small kisses on the face
or walking a great and silly game
your foot on my foot
your hand in my hand
What would you say if I offered
to you
endless devotion
and light touches on the arm
squeezes of hands
to assure you
of nails in your back by candle light
?



Tumbleweed We Are

You will crush me
straight into the ground
and throw upon my head
a wreath you wove from sullen words
found within my speech
And you will copy off
the photograph
of you and I alone
You let it drift like tumbleweed --
push it down like tumbleweed --
throw it back like tumbleweed
onto the desert floor
Then I will wonder how to make it through --
stress out over getting through --
hope that lust will get me through
your systematic gulch
Yes I am blowing through this empty town --
can't make it in this windy town --
This love becomes a ghost-filled town
not fit for tumbleweed



Two Tonys

Here without you in the coffeehouse from hell
Thinking you're at home right now
watching Dumbo
or Snow White
with your Disney classic fetish
Dear boy
where do we go when things get too easy?
I haven't got anything
to say tomorrow on the telephone
but I will feel warm inside...
almost sick

***

Brown hair spills down the back of Apollo himself
(he sells coffee, you know)
Semi-curly
with apricot face to match
Sweet, tame voice
which may or may not also spill down the back
of women during lovemaking
(oh god, he knows all the words
to my song)
Soft and alluring
the lips
He scowls at the cash register
and sips his liquids from a foam cup
Looks my way
looks down



Warlock

You seem to be everywhere
You are worked into the smallest corners of my mind
Held on highest pedestals
You are everyone and everything
and god knows how many cigarettes I have let burn out
to think of you
Because I couldn't shake your image
or the soft voice emanating
from your sugar lips
What is it about you that keeps me
nipping at your heels
begging for attention
I may or may not receive
depending on your schedule and mood
Many times I have thought of advancing toward my future
but your whispered promises bind me to the past
and one last cigarette



Winter

You do not seem to understand
that I am not complete
and living in your arms
provides a temporary heat
I seem to cause more anguish
with the letters that I bring
I should've known I'd rain upon
Your greenest early spring
I should've felt the warmthness
as a quick and passing kiss
And now I know to hide the sun
or wither in its bliss
I'm sorry that I brought you snow
and covered up the light
But should've known you'd keep me
through the anger of the night
So twice you fled into the stars
and once I cried in fear
that you would not return to me
the lie had shown so clear
Well with the moon for company
I wept into her side
I made a note of gentle hands
and bitterness we hide
I think I have no time in which
the Maple Trees can grow
So I apologize for early rain
and fallen winter snow



Wonder

Lazy Wonder
Sleepy Wonder
Show me
what I cannot see
Dripping slowly
Falling slowly
into
what I cannot see

Do you love me?
Say you love me
when you hold me
with your words
Do you need me?
Yes you need me
do not show me
with your words

Deep inside me
Satisfy me
Tell me everything
tonight
Need to know me
Get to know me
In the farthest room
tonight

Little Angel
Fallen Angel
Silken smooth and graceful
arms
Patience wilting
Slowly wilting
In your soft and willing
arms

Everything is
Marmeladish
Laundry hanging
in the rain
Lazy Wonder
Sleepy Wonder
Dancing silver
in the rain



You

How many times must I be wrong before I am finally right before you have come and said you are sorry We were always wrong This wasn't supposed to happen I wasn't meant to fall We never held much water to begin with You will catch me set me right Lights are bright at Christmas but you don't believe in Jesus We were always busy enough and tired Though you never spoke to me of any change in plans brought on by the weather I guess I rained on your parade

You and Your Weak Bitch

You are an ignorant
angry boy
(nothing more)
And your anger is not my doing
so why does it become my burden
When I try
and I try
to make this worthwhile
What do you know?
You could not appreciate the sweetest kiss
or grandest
costly sacrifice
Your new girlfriend
ran away from home
when she was 17
because her parents called her names
If I had only five minutes with her
[This stream of profanities turning itself in my head]
If I had only five minutes alone with your girlfriend
she would be in the next state come morning



Mas Poetry