This is 1995. I think it's pretty clear just from the titles what was going on in my life. A lot of parties, a lot of obsessing, and as always, boys, boys, boys!
Table of Contents: 1995
1942-1995
A Bullet Through the Head is Always the Best Cure for Love
Adam Young
All the Damn Time
A Mistress' Prayer
A New Love (McGee and Me)
A Poem I Wrote With Crayon
Benevolence
Betrayed
Bitch
Bitch, Bitch, Bitch
Boys '95
Burnt
Caballito
Commuting
Complaints
The Endless and Fruitless Search for a Good Man
Escape
Florida
For the Communes
Full Circle
Games
Golfballs
Goosechased
Greta's Party
He Feels Soft Like a Peach
I Am a Stonecutter
I Am the Whore
If I Had One Million Dollars
Introductions
I Squint
Jeff's House
Jer
Just Ducky
King Midas
Lonely Girls
Me, Tonight
Now That's Comedy
Obsession
The Obsession
On Your Best Friend Sleeping With Your First Love
Other Worldly
Pan
Pavement
Penny
Poised
Poor Little Man-Boy
Rockabilly Ride
Run-On
Skee-Lo
Sleeping Alone
Split
Superstar
Swings
Third of July
Tin
UFO
Untitled Tree
Weekend and Monday
Who're You Callin' Kid?
Wishful Thinking
The World's Biggest Strawberry
Worry Stone
Yoli's Party
1942-1995
Garcia died today
and the boy I love
was supposed to follow The Dead
I'm sure he's not sure
what he'll do now
Although it sounds akward
I'm glad
He'll probably never get out of Los Angeles
which would give me the chance to ask him
if he would live out his days in my arms
His ex-girlfriend went back to Frisco
and the boy I love
truly loved her
I'm sure he's not sure
how to feel now
Although it sounds wicked
I'm glad
Jerry Garcia died today
and although it sounds heartless
I'm glad
A Bullet Through the Head is Always the Best Cure for Love
Here I sit
all spun and tired
like a record
played once too often
Dysfunctional souls
wandering and occasionally
stopping to complain
There's a boy at Whittier College
who'd have done
anything for me
I still have his letters
and the corsage from a dance
but I let his hand go
somewhere along the way
There's a boy in Downey
who works for the Y
We drove to Utah and back
I wandered barefoot in the desert
and lost my wallet
along with his name
which was never familiar to me
There's a boy with good eyes
He's moving up north
We smoked lots of Reds
and he gave me
His Gift
But he turned off the light
on his porch
And 1,000 more
who have given to me
good wear and bad
they're the same
But with all of these boys
one asks herself
"Why"
I say "Why can't I find me a man?"
Adam Young
I can't get you off my mind
you run circles of smoke
around my throat like a noose
and I love the threat of death
when you impose it
how much can I give you
immeasurable
"All the world is all I am"
yet I can be more
because my gift is
eternal
and useful
and quiet
and sweet
like pancakes
in the middle of the day
How can you not see me standing here
like a pole
and soft I call to you
so you can not hear me
and I look
and I long
and I cry-
because
you cannot hear me
Fickle, indecisive, passive
bird on my shoulder
cackling
forever
after my mistakes
And the tears sit in my eyes
because
no one wants to fall
All the Damn Time
Looks dirty
like fingernails
been dragged through the mud
and ancient
His face in my eye
I miss him already
and what can I do
He's not coming back
Who can blame him
I'd fly if I could
from the unkind city
and small hearts
with big mouths
I wonder where he sleeps at night
or if he thinks about me
if he thinks about anything
if he's telling jokes
or smoking reds
I yawn
My eyes water
I miss him
The phone rings
I miss him
The sky caves in on my head
I miss him…
I miss him
A Mistress' Prayer
Her all isn't enough
My some is plentiful
I've no objection
I've no guilt
I've no conscience
After the fight
you call me for dinner
I put on the dress
and some of the perfume you like
I've no morals
or modesty
and shame
The movie was fine
you weren't watching anything
but the nape of my neck
She's sitting at home now
and cussing you out
I've no contracts
expectations
demands
But tomorrow
you will make up
and I will be alone
I've nothing
A New Love (McGee and Me)
Making me pulse at one in the morning
from miles away
without even a phone call
Pretty damned smooth
if you ask me
but nobody ever does, so...
I really meant what I said about getting hitched in Vegas
What do you say
You asked permission to put your arm around me
almost enough to charm the pants right off
The Green Hornet bumped off evil- doers
as we touched each other with kid-gloved hands
A Poem I Wrote With Crayon
Sometimes I wish
everyone was still my friend
and my clothing didn't have to match
my face could be dirty
and no one would care
Back when all of my hair
was wild and upset
the popsicle man
was our savior
we all looked the same
and the only thing that really mattered
was who has the ball?
Benevolence
Why is it so hard
to reach out your hand
to the hand going under
Why is it so hard
to break your bread
with the breadless
Why is it impossible to stand for humanity
Why is it easier
to let them all drown
and be hungry for some kind of love
when you have so much more than you need
Greed runs rampant in the dirty city
Men indulge themselves with whores
Did one of you stand up for me ever
Was I mistaken
While I love
it is useless
I try
it is useless
All the while I know
that it is easier
to let them drown
Make my life in these streets
I am occasionally the whore
or the man
but always sincere
There is no one to trust
but I can not listen
because I am too busy
my left hand is reaching
for the man going under
the right one is breaking my bread
Betrayed
My broken heart
the friendless wonder
This grimace accompanying my tears
makes them hotter sliding down my face
In my car
I cry out loud
I want a shotgun
to take them out with
I want a noose
to slip around their necks
but mostly--
no, wholly
--all I want is just one good reason
for me to feel this way
Bitch
My eyes are simply burning
with the weight of her perfume
I don't think I can bear it much longer
Well why doesn't Barbie have a tummy?
Yea Little girls with stars in their eyes
(Sounds a bit like me)
may or may not be affected in their womanhood
by girdles and braziers
I believe my body is a work of art
if you disagree
it's no burr in my rubenesque ass
I won't be turning myself inside out
and backwards
for an anorexic sunken skinny socialite
She stole my lover
And my music just went along with him
I hate to say it
but I do sincerely hope
that a chicken bone
lodges itself
in her sleek and slender throat
not considering
of course
that she's probably vegetarian
Bitch, Bitch, Bitch
I never want to go home
I never want to hear no again
I never want to have another zit
I never want my pants to shrink in the drier
I never want another hang-up call from Alex
I never want to find another split end
I never want to press the wrong button on the jukebox
I never want to see another cute guy
and not have the guts to talk to him
If I had the chance
I wouldn't ask for that much
just a key to the city
and all the things I'd never have happen to me
I'd have happening to her
Heehee
Boys '95
Nacho
Sometimes I wonder
If any of it was true
about the clouds you saw in my eyes
you said it was a place you wanted to be
Josh
Sometimes I wonder
If I actually participated
The kiss you gave me was blurry
You never really cared
Tony
Sometimes I wonder
If you miss me at all
if you know what love is
If you've traded me in and I don't even know
Jeff
Sometimes I wonder
what your girlfriend would say
if she knew what you'd said:
That I was the best
Saul
Sometimes I wonder
what you wanted from me
Your eyes had told me "One night stand"
Your lips had wanted more
Levi
Sometimes I wonder
what is on your mind
a rerun of lassie or what
We're no longer speaking
What were their last names?
Burnt
Easing finally into troubled sleep
your image the last in my eyes
I can't even look
to your face
without putting myself
in the danger
of bursting into flames
But that would be almost nice
Fire is purifying
it is good to describe passion with
Well, the white heat-beams
spring from fingertips of Apollo
Standing tall in his chariot
Across sky and down into ocean
finally
searing eyes of foolish audience
who look straight into
the eyes
at the surface of you
kind hell
Caballito
He used to bounce me on his knee
and we called it "Caballito"
He collapsed on the dining room floor
while I was pouring cereal
and I called 911
My mom got him breathing with CPR
(my grandma still has his dentures)
He left, not Grandpa
on a stretcher
with tubes
He used to bring me bubble-gum
(quando era mi Abuelito)
Caballito
y lo amo
They were just back home from Vegas
and I never said "Hello"
I never said "Goodbye"
D.O.A. mi Abuelito--
Como te amo, Caballito
I will never forget that tobacco smell--
Deaf as anything, My Grandpa
and he "couldn't smell those flowers
set up next to him"
at the service
beautiful bright wreaths
and his thick
thick espejuelos
casting off the light
Como te ame, Caballito...
Grandpa, I love you right now
Commuting
Complaints
The Endless and Fruitless Search for a Good Man
Escape
Lonely like the yolk of an egg
I float around
feeling the walls
which never open
for me to escape
and voices far away say
"Goodbye" and "Overeasy"
sometimes "Sunny-side Up"
and a sizzle on the other side of the world
and I trip onto my knees
and bleed and bleed and bleed
like rivers out the walls
then lying on my back I take stock of the stucco
wondering how I could have ever wanted to leave
Florida
The sheer pain of it all
is running me through
like the flagged toothpick
of the medianoche sandwich
How you are talking to her now
and have forgotten me
Don't say that I left
because I waited when you went
into the garage
with your arm around
your youngest daughter
and I heard you playing
with the dog
Now I am alone in the hall
I wanted to tell you
I cleaned up my room
the way you'd expect it to be
But you are downstairs
and her voice comes to me,
"I missed you the most, mom
I missed you the most
out of anyone here."
I am a stranger
and never felt at home
when she was home
because she became home
For the Communes
Full Circle
Wishing I were dead
Never seems to do much good
I'm still alive and kicking
A gimp wearing bells
just limped by
and it sounded quite lovely
I've got nowhere to be
and everyone to impress this day
Where has all the energy gone
I end up with embarrassment
My anger
Sitting alone in 5th period
Reminding myself
how much better
things used to be
when I didn't feel
the Embarrassment or Anger
The only one I had to impress
was my mother
and everywhere was my place
Something from then to now
has made that change
I can't change
So now I'm stuck
with this life I can't stand
and all I can do is wait
until now is later
and the change has come again
Games
One moment I feel submissive and sorry
the next I'm bolder than before
because I hate you
You gave me nothing
and the only reason I call your house
is to assure myself that you are still
hung up on me
(which you are)
and because you are my exboyfriend
and we are torn apart
when we see one another
by guilt and memories
and we're melodramatic
and I love it!!!
So if for just one second
you thought I wanted you back
or that I love you
You are completely assed out
and wrong
Because even if in some small corner
of my mind
I admittedly missed you
I'm not bored enough
to want
what I'll always have
Golfballs
Within the cell I'm provided with
I play stupid games
like throwing golfballs into the ceiling
and covering my head
when they come down to click-clack
on the grid of wire beneath me
Breaking the silence of captivity
your mouth is smiling
you scratch your pet behind the ears
line my cage with newspaper again
fill the water dish
lock me in
walk away to the world which you
enjoy I enjoy
through the god damned grid of iron wires
click-clack
click-clack
*thump*
I was too slow
Goosechased
Keeps my attention
when he rides his unicycle
around the pool and I don't care
if he's seeing someone else
He could be romancing all Las Vegas
and it wouldn't change my mind
But what I think
isn't important
He caresses me
then retreats into her automobile
They both speed away
His friend the boy next to me
plays with my hair
I can see the back of your head
as our car follows
and we pass the Rocky Horror Picture Show
that theater where you almost kissed me
But what I think
isn't important
even when I caught you looking
as the wind blew up my dress
even through the tinted glass
I see you
trying to see me
and the redhead
she's getting pissed
But what she thinks
isn't important
because he's watching me in the mirror
like I'm tailgating
Greta's Party
More than I can bear
to see you press your lips
to hers
Maybe I denied you then
yet you deny me now
If only you would let me
give to you all that I
possess
I might take you
on a walk for hours
someplace where she is not and
I am
lonelier than you will ever know
or be
mine
please!
He Feels Soft Like a Peach
Soft like a peach
we fit together
Sung like an ocean
there was a tune
Filled
overflowing
I had a notion
Piper is piping
he'll find us all soon
Soft like a peach
Lips sweet ambrosia
Feeding upon this
wanting for more
Shocked
and delighted
giving a soft kiss
Laying so spent
on the cramped closet floor
Soft like a peach
and small like a radish
I am not strong
but I am real
Wave
undertowing
Ocean sings good song
If this is feeling
Please let me feel
I Am a Stonecutter
Watching a spaceship fly
overhead
and wondering if he’s stood me up
Maybe he’s lost
or maybe I’m lost
Maybe we’re both lost
and finding each other
is finding
a way out
If I had more sense
I might have kept that other one
If we’d had more sense
There’d have been no civil war
If everyone had their own island
we’d appreciate each other more
or just appreciate each other
in the first place
If we all stopped what we were doing
and examined thoroughly the sun
in its sky
we would realize
perhaps
that everyone really IS good
and we are all
Stonecutters
I Am the Whore
Keep the picture of me please
I don't care if you leave it
someplace you never go
the farthest corner
of your bottom bureau drawer
just keep the picture of me please
because I'm greedy and self-centered
and because it would make me feel so much better
about everything I claim I'm not
and really thought I wasn't
even if I make you sick
even if looks are deceiving
even if these words mean nothing
which I'm sure they do
and even if you don't care any more
I do
and will for a long time
just keep the picture of me
please
so that when you are alienated and sad
you can pull it out from behind the T.V.
or underneath the hotel bible
you used for rolling joints
and you can say
"This is the whore that made me cookies."
If I Had One Million Dollars
If I had one million dollars,
I would buy myself a man
that would love me with devotion
hold me with anticipation
and kiss me with greed
I would buy myself a man
who would give as much
as he got
sometimes more
a man who would notice
when I wore my hair up
or left it down
a man who would always call me
by a pet name
so much
that I would forget
the real one
one who likes it
when I smoke
But mostly
a man
who could never be bought
not even for
one million dollars
Introductions
I want to meet him
I want to meet the man
who did this to me
I want to meet the man who decided
that I'd fail my driver's test five times
The one who said I'd be five feet tall
I want to know the man
who gave me brown hair instead of red
I want to know the man
who fixed it so I'd be in Downey
and not San Francisco Bay
I'd like to meet the man
who said I'd always be broken hearted
and I want to put my fist in his eye
I Squint
Something infects me
down to the very roots
of my tree
Beneath the surface
of what I call smile
lies an even warmer interior
Soft to the touch
if not pleasing to the eye
Blinded by some kind of brilliance
I squint
Jeff's House
Tired of living alone
in the gas tank of your automobile
Help me out of this trance
The days grows brighter outside your house
Boards on the windows
You don't see me standing in the street
Pitiful
You stumble around the first floor
looking for something you will never find
and do not see me standing on your lawn
You light candles in the kitchen
turn on the television
and pretend you don't know
I am at the front door
Look over your shoulder
you do not see
Play that song over and over on the stereo
I am in the hall
and see framed pictures of a woman on your wall
then break them
with my invisible hand
because you do not see me
for the happiness I can be
held in your palm
like a kiss on the lips
My modesty dances at your feet
beseeches you to see the girl
right in front of you
and we smell something burning
you watch a commercial through my belly
make snow angels in your mind and smile
Pan
singing this song I write
to someone who will never care
deaf to the strains of your melodious voice
while I hear everything
My extended hand waits for yours
when I touch you
my fingers run through
In your eyes I am someone very small
I am waiting
hesitating
with the pictures from the front hall
broken and burnt on the ground
I am waiting to take the boards from your windows
put out the candles
turn off the television
open your eyes
hold your hand
and take you home
Jer
I think of you every night
and write your name
in the beaded water
clinging to my glass shower walls
I cannot escape your fantasy
face in my dreams
cannot avoid the hunger
welling up within myself
my hands become restless
Why do you not kiss me?
Just Ducky
King Midas
A million poems for that boy
everything he touches burns
turns to gold
mane running down his
back door
swinging open-mouthed
in the breeze
clacking against a stucco wall
makes it difficult to
breathe my
tongue in-out from
a peppermint/cigarette kiss
each stump nail fingertip
exacting the loneliness
I have denied so fervently
Until the one hundred tooth smile
face of King Midas
rose like a sun
over pixie dust desert.
Lonely Girls
Lonely girls
sometimes sit in their rooms
and contemplate thoughts
that may never exist outside of a notebook
a photo album
But on the wings that rolling pens bring
they are carried into a small district
where they are satisfied and oblivious
to silent telephones
or empty eyes
Someday I hope
the world will smash
begin again
because even lonely girls
get sick of their sad songs and long-faced fantasies
The lonely girls will come together
and no longer support themselves with lonely boys
who make them more alone
than solitary confinement
Yes
One day the world will begin again
so that I can touch the sweet heart I have
to the sky
So I can open my closet
and breathe the skeletons free
So I will never write a letter without response or confidence
But until that day comes
I've decided to hold it all back
Add this to the list of all the thoughts
that will never exist
outside of my notebook
Me, Tonight
Tonight I've decided
that I like who I am
I like my big
copper hair
I like my big
loving thighs
and my small hands
with feet to match
I like
having kissed boys
I didn't know
and not holding their hands
I like the cramp coffee gives me
I like the color my index finger turns
when I have smoked too many cigarettes
What I do not like
is walking across my room
in that moment just before
lust
and in the light of the digital clock
being called "beautiful"
I do not like making out with a cute boy
in a parking lot
and under the glow
of a flickering bug light
being repeatedly called "beautiful"
because I like who
I am
and
I am
not beautiful
Now That's Comedy
Your proposal is ludicrous
and in case you didn't notice
I am laughing
Yes I am
I'm laughing
Can't you see me laughing
Don't you hear me laughing
Laughing so hard
that I'm going to wet my pants
or explode
and make a ruin of your finely tailored suit
That's how hard I'm laughing
and in case you didn't notice
I do have some dignity left somewhere
if only I could find it
Yeah in case you didn't notice
I've reorganized things around here
and if you don't like it
you can file a complaint
because I'm too busy laughing
Obsession
I love you
I have always loved you
I will always have loved you
I love you today
I love you tomorrow
I love you yesterday
I love you right here
I love you right now
I love you the most
I love you the best
I love you better than chocolate
I love you with a passion greater than any know to man
I love you in grey
I love you in black
I love you covered in cream
Chocolate covered strawberries
with mangos on the side
can not quell the hunger of my love for you
I love you more than fruitcakes
I love you more than burnt marshmallows
I love you more than squishing jello in between my two front teeth
I love you like Guadalupe loves Pepe
I love your eyebrows
I love love love your eyebrows
I love your crabs
I love your lice
I love your crabs lice and other bodily parasites
I love you more than soggy frosted flakes
because you taste better
I sure do like you a lot
The Obsession
I'm not hungry
no desire to eat
don't want breakfast
don't want smoke
or drink
or even kiss
don't want sleep or wake
or blink or breathe
or even circulation
Given back everything
you never wanted
from me
(everything I ever
gave you)
I still am
empty-handed
I wish deeply
for this day to end
and some time of my own
a place of my own
sometime of my own
That boy
On Your Best Friend Sleeping With Your First Love
How do I say that
I hate you
How do I say
that you have
tainted my emotions
You are dyslexic
in your actions
and nothing would
make me happier
than to see you dead-
no, kill you myself
Every part of me
is numbed by your existence
and my heart flips itself
over with grief
This cigarette is nonappealing
Food does not entice me
I don't want to pet my dog
And my eyes are swollen
from crying
over your
stupidity
Other Worldly
The sadness and cruelty of the human race
startles me
saddens me
makes me go through the roof
Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water
and what am I supposed to do now?
Just go hole up in some room of self pity?
I can't
because I know that somewhere
in the big bad world
there is a place for him
a place for me
a place for us together
It's just that finding that place has proven more difficult
than I ever imagined
Yet in this strange parallel world
the compelling force exists
and compels me
as it should
and the pain
pains me
as it should
Although I would prefer it didn't
Beyond a smoky doorway
lies my destiny
Unfortunately
here
I am allergic to cigarettes
Pan
Crazy rain
straight down
the face of you
gets caught
in the crease
of a word
sneaks into my eye
and stays for a while
your hand kissing mine
briefly
As you trickle down
my back
Your acknowledgment
of my existence
splashes in the puddles
I don't own any
pedestals
but if I did
you would not
occupy one
Because
on a pedestal
there is the danger
that you might
tumble and shatter
to wash away
in the crazy rain
straight down
the face of you
gets caught in the
crease of
a word sneaks into
my eye and stays
for a while
your hand
kissing mine
briefly
Pavement
Reliving the pavement concert
once and again
every day I remember
brushing up against your hand
and apologizing
even though I wasn't sorry
So here you are
after so long
and you're the same
I'm glad to see
I remember the night
that shouldn't have happened
and the things I should have said that I didn't
and probably never will
because I'm unlucky and afraid
what would happen if I touched the soft
nail bitten hand
tried to catch the slick cat grin
I hate being near you
yet not being near you
able to make you forget the plagues or your life
with the words I whisper
tickle your ear
and my lips on your forehead
soothe the wrinkles
furrowed eyebrows
Love is my claim to fame
Penny
This is quite something
to feel so miserably old
or used
like table mats
you hold me down in
The Age of Bronze
the gold has long since dwindled
into somewhere far away
I cannot reach
I cannot reach
I cannot reach
I do not know
what you are to me
other than fiction
but I feel
you are not feeling
anything at all for me
which is troublesome
but why should that matter
You have attention flying at you
from every conceivable angle
but why should that matter
laughter is irking me
why should you care
I smile fake at you
you put your hands to me
and release whatever I had to hate
why should I matter
you haven't got the time
for my whimpering words
the do not fit into the plan
of universal unity
I will never make it
to your lips
I cannot reach
I do not feel
you will see this
because my life is small
and annoying
and plain
unimportant
Why should we matter
I like the rain
when it covers us up
as you hold me in the age of bronze
I cannot reach
the sky
Poised
I want nothing in this world more than you
I want nothing from this world other than you
Can you make someone give you another chance
And if you can
will it be sincere
Of course not
But I've spent half my days in searching
so the other half will be spent waiting here
I have everything left to give you
and will bestow it at your word
I've heard endless amounts of fighting
and wish for the peace you provide
When everyone else is so confused
Your thoughts are perfectly clear
and the heart of myself that does love you
makes me tremble and shudder
Poor Little Man-Boy
Poor little man-boy
performing in class
surrounded by cheerleaders
and youth
I know you on weekends
I know that you will get too drunk
and throw up into the ocean
I know the condom in your wallet
dusty with age
which you stole from your older brother's bathroom drawer
will never see the light of night
Once
making a field goal
you became something better than yourself
but when we are grown up
there is only you
Rockabilly Ride
A big white car
a slow soft song
make me reminiscent
of thins I shouldn’t
(don’t)
really want
Sometimes I remember
what he meant to me:
A negative number
Nothing at all
A wart on my finger
A cut on my tongue
Enemas & Route canals
PALE
in comparison
to his love
Despite this fact
I miss him
Bold & hideous
ugly underbelly man
But whenever this
longing
engulfs me
I run into the nearest
W
A
L
L
headfirst...
It’s just as good
Run-On
Every day you look better and better to me
every day you seem harder and harder
to talk to
and I feel smaller and less important
and your eyes are bluer
and your smile is wider
and your face is brighter
and your voice is finer
and all I can do is watch you
and think to myself
how much better and better you look to me
and the longer I look
the more beautiful you become
and with every day that passes
I need someone more and more
and you look better and better
and the sky is bigger and bigger
and my thoughts are longer and longer
without you
Skee-Lo
If I had my way
most of these idiots would be stuck on an island
or maybe just me
Everyone would always be happy
even if we started to take it for granted
We'd all be as attractive as beach people
our soul mated would be clearly labeled
but then again
if I had my way
everyone would have their own way
and some asshole is bound to fuck that up
Sleeping Alone
I don't want to realize that you are gone
and that tonight I will be sleeping alone
Everything here now
is uncomfortable and wrong
without your presence
I miss you already
Sitting on the corner of the bed
Holding my hand
from the backseat
I waited so long and patiently
for the moment in which we would
shine together
and when the fireworks went off
I'd never felt brighter
Dim now
like a distant star
I remember everything
like I am 100 years old
The moles covering your body
The way you smoke cigarettes
and I don't want to realize that you are gone
and that tonight
I will be sleeping all alone
I don't want to realize
how big this bed feels
without you next to me
or how cold it is in this room
and inside my chest
I wish I could see you off at the airport
but then I'm glad I'm not
because I'd probably end up
sneaking into your luggage
Leaving your Star Wars toys
and comic book trading cards
scattered inside the overhead compartment
So I guess it's better that I just sit here and write
and think about how well suited that derby is to your face
and how good it finally felt
when I got to show you
how I can light up a room
if you look at it just right
Split
Suddenly bereft
of partners in crime
I am forced
to be the lone stranger
Become what I am
and made to see it
I am sickened
weakened
and in a strange way
pleased
Superstar
Brassy music reminds me
of holding hands with you
the high notes hurt my ears
and I sometimes wonder
if I will just dwindle away
or continue my existence here
in this state of prolonged confusion
This is so sick
so very sick and wrong
to feel so misplaced and naive--
which must be me
I'm going to hit the ground,
and break into one million bits
and the wind will carry me
to one thousand moments
and I can share not one of them
with you
because you have backed
into the shadows
your head bent and silenced
you arms are crossed and held from me
You are this close to me
I can hear every word you ever
spoke to me...
yet in all of this passion
this beautiful agonizing moment
I can not hold you
I can never hold you
and whisper at night, alone,
that I love you,
smile to myself then turn over
and sleep
At night I pull out the screen
from my window
bring my knees up to my chest
and count the stars
So I'll never feel your hand in my hand or
your sweet soft lips
on my brow
then my cheek
then a kiss
And tonight I'll sit
with my knees on my chest
and count the stars
(If I can find a cigarette)
and I'll look after the one
you named for me
such a long time ago
When I find that small
and nearly inexistent star
(with my name on it)
I will turn away and cry
because I know who I am
and I remember who I was
and how good,
how right you felt
I will cry until the only things left
are drying tears
and a bitter taste in my mouth
and I will wipe my nose on my shirt
and hate myself,
the star.
Swings
All my life I have been waiting
for a signal from some celestial wonder
An unearthly beam to shine some light on my road map
I'm waiting for my lay to get here
and recalling this flight I took today
watching my own poetic shadow
running after me
Wondering where the co-stars of my memories have gone
and what they have become
No direction in the mountains
lost and loving it
I've misplaced my favorite poems
My goals are few and far between
Third of July
How many times
have I come up these stairs
drunk as W.C. Fields'
collective drunkenness
ready to pass out or cry
This sweater smells so much like him
it scares me
Tonight we went to the carnival
the same way we did
exactly one year ago
And he handed to me a sparkler
the same way he did
exactly one year ago
One year is
6.5% of my life
Tin
I have hours to kill
you are crystaline eyes
look away from me now
how i wish you could be
more than dreams
or sweets melting on my tongue
they feel for a pulse
i try to get close
standing next to you
touch your hand
infect you with my sacrilege
electric charges though fingers
and into mouth
metallic anxiety
i want you
UFO
I swear I saw a spaceship
outside my window
just now
and for a second
just now
I thought my dog was dead
just now
I remembered how good it was with you
and a while ago is forgotten
Untitled Tree
Loving is motion
in the fullest
dark of night
Receiving
an expression of
the brightest light
of day
And becoming one another
is betraying rules of man
And too many words can ruin anything
And youth will slip away
from our counting hands one day
When you realize
the extent of love for me
I am broken
already
and lost to the ache
of my bones
My lips are bleeding
your heart is swelling
Your arms behind your head
Your eyes surveying
and invading
Your smile spread and inviting
Weekend and Monday
Staring out the window
someplace far away I am
while colonists fight taxes
in American History
All those beautiful faces
at the magazine stand
overpower my will to eat
Drunk in a Car
on the way home
I wrote a poem in my head
but forgot it
I guess I’ll miss him
but there isn’t much to miss
just the memory
drug-induced and blurred
I didn’t know him well
Who're You Callin' Kid?
I am
Remembering the fanatic outside
she held a sign
calling me a cold-blooded murderer
Maybe she’s right
and I could be wrong
Some things are hard to forget
I may be a killer
but I’m not a fiend
if there’s a heart in me
I know it’s been broke
If there’s a god somewhere
I hope we don’t meet
I’ve gotten so worn
from being run through the wringer
Is it for the better or worse
You tell me
since I don’t know
Rethinking that
keep it to yourself
because I don’t care
They say I’m a kid
but I don’t think so
because when you’re sleepwalking
through a nightmare
It’s hard to remember
Innocence
Mirth
and Love for the one I am
I may be a phoenix
but I’m still not beautiful
I may be the wild card
but your hand’s still jack shit
I may be a girl
or a woman
or a cold-blooded killer
but whatever I am
I’m not a kid
Wishful Thinking
Hopefully he’ll at least notice me
I hope sometime soon
because it’s hard to wait
and be patient
all the same
what can I do?
And I want to be a singer
even If I’ve got no voice
and I want to be an actress
even if I’m lacking talent
and I want to be famous
even if no one knows my name
The World's Biggest Strawberry
I went to see him tonight
We discussed briefly
life-after-death and his dog
we figure she must be 84 years old
but mostly sat outside
and smoked too many cigarettes
We held hands and I wondered
if he knew how much it meant to me
He said strawberries make everything better
and brought me the world's biggest
How badly did I want
to lean my head on his shoulder and cry
or press my lips to his cheek
run my fingers across his soft
flat stomach
the way I did once
so long ago as he slept
Will he think of me tonight
or the next time he sits on his porch
and smokes too many cigarettes
How badly did I want to kiss his
Strawberry Lips with my Strawberry Lips
and never go home
He says strawberries make everything better
and brought me the world's biggest
However I am still bent and broken
Worry Stone
Watching him
double over at the bus stop
he won’t come near me
so he is waiting across the street for his friend
(I didn’t know what it was)
Shivering in fifty four degrees
because it’s colder inside
We hang our heads in shame
Considering Ireland’s green hills
I remember his celtic christmas gift
I keep so close
(I didn’t know what it was)
In our final hours
filth on my lips
and his clean wet kiss made them mud
he presented to me
like a medal of honor
the time wethered worry stone
precious emerald to me
encased in its torn leather pouch
(I didn’t know what it was)
Maybe it’s because I was given everything he had
and torched it
Maybe it’s because I gave as much as I could
(then uninvited reimbursed myself ten fold
Black Magic
Black Widow)
that I do not set foot in his direction
But
I don’t know why I spent hours today
mending the wounds of the leather pouch
that holds the worry stone
I don’t know why
standing in the walk in closet
I couldn’t comprehend the word “Love”
I don’t know why I grow closer to the stone every day
and a four page letter from so long ago
I don’t know
why raw cookie dough and pancake batter make me cry
But I do know
you should never pick until ripening
The Moon is more beautiful after midnight
He doesn’t see me wearing this thing
and I don’t know what took me so long
to put it around my neck
instead of staring at it on the unholy bedpost
Maybe it’s because the Worry Stone looked as lonely as I felt
until today
(Now I’m even lonelier)
Maybe because
(I didn’t know what it was)
until today
Yoli's Party
Staring out the window
someplace far away I am
while colonists fight taxes
in American History
All beautiful faces
at the magazine stand
will not overpower
my will to eat
Drunk in a car
on the way home
I wrote a poem in my head
but forgot it
I guess I’ll miss him
but there isn’t much to miss
just the memory
drug-induced and blurred
I didn’t know him well